Deadbeat parenting not a men’s club
RAISING A CHILD IS FOR BOTH PARENTS
WHENEVER we think of a deadbeat parent, the stereotype is often that the father of the child is the one who is avoiding his responsibilities.
Fathers have often gotten a bad rap over the years for not paying maintenance and averting parental responsibility.
Yet, Dr Phil McGraw once said no matter how flat you make a pancake, there are always two sides to it. Yes, there are also deadbeat mothers out there.
As difficult as it is to fathom, there are mothers who do not care about the wellbeing of their children. They do nothing to support them financially, and basically chuck all the responsibilities to the father.
We learned of such a case from Kabelo*, who is an engineer at a mine in Rustenburg in the North West, who let us in on his harrowing experience with the mother of his child.
“I had a child with my ex while I was in my last year at varsity, and she was in matric.
“Initially, our families had hammered me about messing up her schooling and her future. But after gaining my family’s support, we managed to reassure her family that we would see to the child’s every need, and that she would, in no way, feel the strain of having had a child at a young age.
“Luckily, the baby was born after she completed her final matric examinations, and she passed.
“But I took care of everything. I got a job soon after varsity and immediately, put her and the child on my medical aid. The doctor’s visits were taken care of, the baby clothes, the toys – just about everything.”
Kabelo says that as the years went by, he realised that his ex seemed to have gotten comfortable in the lifestyle and was not contributing anything towards the child’s upkeep.
His ex currently stays with her boyfriend and is still unemployed. So Kabelo solely maintains their child.
“I have thought of asking the courts for sole custody so that I could stay with my daughter on a fulltime basis, but I don’t even know where to begin. I always wonder if the courts would find my plea favourable. She is definitely a deadbeat mom, and has not helped contribute a cent towards the upbringing of our daughter,” he says with sadness.
When we contacted Kabelo’s ex, she was unwilling to talk to us and hung up the phone.
After that Kabelo says she called him and swore at him. She questioned him if he still remembered who had bathed, fed and tucked their child into bed over the years?
Where does one draw the line? Can one really be a deadbeat mom, and what characteristics are they made of?
Social worker Khumoetsile Tsimane defines what constitutes a deadbeat parent. “Anyone who averts responsibility for the upbringing of their children is a deadbeat parent.
“Anyone who dictates most of the responsibility of the upbringing of their child to only one parent, when it took two to tango, is a deadbeat parent. So, yes, mothers too can be deadbeat parents, if they portray those characteristics.”
But are the questions that Kabelo’s ex raised valid, does she have a point, while Sebothoma complains of being the sole provider?
Is feeding, bathing and calming a child when they have a nightmare enough to exonerate one of being called a deadbeat parent?
“Parenting involves both financial and emotional support for the child. One cannot do the one without the other,” says Tsimane.
“As much as instilling values and morals is important in a child’s upbringing, so is their well being, that’s food, doctor’s appointments and even toys.
“It is not enough to expect that tucking in the child at night will show what a good parent you are. Financial support is needed as well, and this should come from both parents,” she says.
Tsimane says some mothers have the misconception that the father should be solely responsible for everything for the child.
So what can a father do when they feel that the mother of their child is a deadbeat?
Tsimane says it all begins with an amicable confrontation.
“Most fathers who do everything on their own often are afraid to be vocal about their concerns.
“My advice would be to call a family meeting and try to address those concerns.
“Even if you have to involve a mediator such as a pastor or a social worker, solicit it.
“But try and tread carefully with your words to make the mother of your child see reason, as some deadbeat mothers may jump to their defenses.”
Tsimane advises that the approach should rather look like you are asking for a joint effort in the upbringing of your child, just for the benefit of the child.
“If the amicable meeting fails to reap positive results, the father of the child has every right to approach the courts and enlighten them of the situation.
“Contrary to popular belief, the courts are not there to always rule in favour of the mother and hang the fathers.
“Courts are there to be impartial, and ultimately decide what is in the best interest of the child.”
“Courts are not there to only rule in favour of the mother