Self-blame continues the cycle of abuse
‘Violence is learnt behaviour where men grow up seeing fathers hit their mothers’
Karabo Mokoena’s counsellor and friend Cheryl Hlabane has described Mokoena as vulnerable.
“After she decided to leave Sandile, she said to me, ‘Cheryl, if I one day call you crying, please remind me that I am beautiful, worthy and valued.’
Just as much as she was strong and well spoken, she also had struggles that people do not know about.”
Mokoena made headlines recently when she was found killed and burnt beyond recognition, allegedly by her boyfriend Sandile Mantsoe.
Mantsoe was charged with her murder and will be back in court on June 9 for a bail application ruling.
“Our job as counsellors is to help [a victim] find a solution within herself, you do not force information out of someone.
“Karabo loved Sandile, she was crazy about him, it is hard to advise a woman in love.
“Karabo was only 22, she was still young. You need to reach that breaking point to get out of abuse. Unlike the women here [at Frida Hartley] who had reached that breaking point, she had not.”
Hlabane said Mokoena had lived a rough teenage life, but later gave her life to God.
“Karabo got born again. So she had this image of a Godfearing woman, someone who she could go to church with.
“She was very vocal. Women tend to tell men that they will not date them until they have certain traits.
“Men will sometimes alter themselves to fit what you want. Sandile fit the God-fearing man profile that Karabo wanted,” said Hlabane.
She said abused women normally tried to fix things through self -blame.
“That is why people cannot understand why someone as confident as Karabo can endure abuse. She saw someone she [thought she] could change. That has never worked. We are not here to change people.”
Hlabane said that violence was a learned behaviour.
“Men grow up seeing their fathers hit their mothers, they practise that later when they feel their power challenged. It also comes from watching violent material on TV.
“Men are also rejected in our societies. We have centres for women and female-based organisations, but nothing for the boy child or the men,” said Hlabane.
Men will sometimes alter themselves to fit what you want