It is time for us men to move beyond being just seed planters to being real fathers
Caring for our kids will help change fortunes of the South African family
Our grandmothers, mothers, aunts, sisters, nieces, partners, daughters and granddaughters are female and most of us who are “normal” men love them.
And in all females we see mirror images of the females we are biologically connected to. We do not go about harbouring notions of harming them in our hearts.
That is why most of us find it tough to understand why any man would hurt females in these most horrible ways. That’s why these normal men are so revolted by the recent spike in the killing of women that they have taken to the streets to march in protest.
But these males doing these frightening things to women and children cannot be normal men. In order to rape a man needs to be sexually aroused. How can a normal man be aroused by a granny in the twilight of her life or a baby in nappies or a four-year-old toddler?
The men doing these things must be factory defects produced by the broken society that we are. And yes, we are broken in so many ways.
We are a society high on both legal and illegal drugs – alcohol, nyaope, dagga, cocaine and the rest of them. We are aware that the commission of one or two crimes often leads to the commission of others. Those addicted to nyaope and other drugs would often steal to feed their addiction and commit crimes they would not commit if they were free of drugs. It is thus clear that one of the things we need to do is to eradicate drugs from our society.
Add to this the grinding poverty and rampant unemployment that gnaw at the very fabric of our society. Just move around in our communities during working hours and behold the numbers of ablebodied people who should be otherwise employed hanging around aimlessly on street corners. Among them would be those who are high on drugs, need the next fix but have no money for it. Where and how are they going to get it if not through crime?
If a lot of men are unemployed, poor and on drugs, where and how are they going to establish normal relations with women?
And if they cannot establish normal and stable relationships with women, how resentful are they likely to be? Many of them cannot get married because they simply do not have the money to do it or maintain a family.
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Put into this mix the fact that a lot of men have no relationship with their children or the mothers of their kids. Stats SA reports that only 31% of mothers are married and that 64% of birth certificates have no information on fathers, and half of the children in our country do not have daily contact with their fathers.
By all accounts, this is an ugly picture. It means there are a lot of men in our society who play no role at all in the upbringing of their children, leaving this task entirely on the shoulders of women.
And yet study after study has shown that children, both boys and girls, benefit enormously by growing up in a home where both parents are present. The benefits are not only material, but emotional, moral and psychological.
With the male and female figures present in their lives, kids tend to be better adjusted, are more likely to do well at school, form healthier relationships with people of the opposite sex and be better placed to resist drugs than those growing up with only one parent present in their homes.
Girls growing up with their fathers present are more likely to have better relationships with men than those that are robbed of a male figure in their upbringing.
So, it appears that more than marching, men should try harder to be real fathers who play their fatherly role in the rearing of their offspring.
We should, as South African men, take to heart the words of the 1987 hit song I Love You Daddy by the then teenage group, Ricardo and Friends. They sang: “Daddy, you know how much I love you. I need you, forever, I’ll stay by your side… I have no fear when you’re near. You guide me through the darkest night… I love you daddy, oh daddy. You are my superstar.”
It is about time most of us move beyond being just seed planters to being real fathers to our children.
We should rescue the South African family that is currently in trouble.
Let us become heroes and superstars to our children by being present in their lives.