Son no longer the same since I divorced his dad

Boy (10) decries my parenting whenever he visits his father

My 10-year-old son is angry after his dad and I divorced last year. I have recently discovered that he is trying to pit me against my ex by complaining about my parenting whenever he visits his dad. I have tried to talk to his dad to put our heads together and tackle this problem but he is reluctant to do so out of his guilt, I guess for moving in with a younger woman. How do I begin to resolve this as I want my happy child back?

Mom replies:

It’s only been a year of divorce, so the ramifications are still evident in your son. It’s not going to be an easy journey getting your happy child back, however you must try. I have discovered that sports help in venting and letting off bottled steam. Register your child at a sports club and let him participate in a sporting activity. You and the father need to support and cheer him on. Other than that, give him time to mourn.

Boitumelo replies:

It can be overwhelming for a 10-year-old to process the changes that come with such situations. Normally, people go through an adjustment process whenever there is a divorce. It is a matter of giving your son time to adjust to the changes but constantly affirming that this is how things are now. He just lacks the emotional maturity and vocabulary to say, “mommy, I am frustrated... this is unpleasant for me”. Underneath the complains, there is a deeper experience that you need to listen to. Listen and acknowledge his feelings. Ask him to report to you at least a few good things he enjoyed or liked when visiting his father, to shift his focus from the negatives.