Why Namba Wan prefers reshuffles and statues
Shuffling the house of cards
For Namba Wan, any time is reshuffle time. The last couple of times he pounced at the midnight hour. It must be the way of thieves, I suppose. This time he announced the fall of the axe while on his way to a village in what he probably believes is a foreign country, the name of which he has never bothered to pronounce correctly.
No energy to proofread
The press statement was typed out, released and off to Limpompo (sic) he went. They didn’t even bother proofreading the damn thing, which if they had would have discovered that the former minister of energy’s name Mmamoloko was misspelt as Mmamaloko.
We can’t expect him to know the names of the provinces when he doesn’t even know the people he employs and fires?
A statue here, an erection there
He’s been a busy bee, this Namba Wan, darting between provinces and countries to unveil statues of himself. Vera thinks he is scared that once he retires from taking orders from President Gupta, no one will honour him this way.
What better way to ensure that your wishes are carried out than to do the job yourself – even if you have to fly to Naija to unveil an erection there. Before you stone Vera, dear readers, erection is what the governor of the Nigerian state called the Zuma statue.
Back home, Namba Wan left a stinker for us to ponder as he packed his passport to head off to Limpompo in a mistaken belief that he would be out of the country by the time news of the reshuffle broke. He also likes statues because they don’t talk back or ask tjatjarag questions.
Geography teacher wanted
Remember, his geography is very dodgy. Who would forget his declaration that “Africa is the biggest continent, bigger than all the continents combined?”
So going to Limpompo to unveil a bridge, was for him a welcome break to escape it all, only to bump into the self same tjatjarag journalists he hoped he had left behind, asking about the reshuffle.
Shuffle them dizzy
He didn’t even bother to explain, and by the look and sound of things he will do it again, if only to get The Ex into the guptament.
Phezukwabo Mshufflozi, phezukwabo. And that’s no invitation to hit it with ladies, okay?
Dazed reds
It’s a depression-inducing thing this reshuffle business, leaving those involved traumatised.
Take, for example, the SACP presser shortly after the news broke. The chap who chaired the briefing took questions but oddly started counting at Number 2 and Number 3 ... anything to avoid mentioning Number 1. Vera wonders why.
Hopping mad
Vera would have loved to be a fly on the wall in a cabinet meeting before Pravin was fired, just to observe his interaction with Zuma’s Dibono Brigade. Caught one of the commanders of the battalion, Mama Action, on the wireless the other day and my, oh my, did Pravin feature prominently.
She was interviewed on her department’s plans to flaunt procurement rules on a water project with the Chinese. She seethed every time she mentioned
Pravin.
So much so that Vera was scared Mama Action was going to get palpitations and we were going to have a heart attack live on radio. Such was the palpable hatred. Bekavutha!
Ye of little faith ...
Vera is convinced Satafricans will indeed not see that promised kingdom of eternity and has said so.
There was one social media discussion that quickly went south. The topic was one of Namba Wan’s favourite ministers, the type that never gets fired and believes ubaba uyamthanda is all the qualification needed to be COO of the SABC.
Ahead of her time
Someone remarked that they couldn’t believe the poor soul was all of 41 years old, because she had aged beyond her years. There was no shortage of suggestions why. “Akulaleki ma uneBen 10”, someone retorted, suggesting that a young lover was giving the old lass sleepless nights, literally.
Close hell, it’s here
That’s it, Satan might as well move his headquarters here, he’ll be in good company. Vera caught one of her fave presenter Iman Rappetti’s intro the other day and Vera agrees, indeed hell is empty as all the devils are here among us.