Separate beds a risk for couples?
Growing trend threatens sexual intimacy – expert
“I grew up with my parents sleeping in separate bedrooms. I don’t actually have a timeline for exactly when it started happening. It is just something me and my siblings grew accustomed to and it became the norm. My parents are in their 80s, and they still sleep in separate bedrooms.
“I never asked my mom about the reasons why they made this decision, although now that I am married, I’m finding it more and more weird, because I cannot imagine sleeping in a different bedroom to my husband’s.”
This is the testimony of a 45year-old mother of two. Many people can relate to her story.
Although rarely openly spoken about, many couples over the years have made the decision to sleep in separate bedrooms.
Psychologist Mampho Mofokeng says that she is aware of this phenomenon, and that in the olden days, the reasons varied between illness and one reason that the elderly will never own up to – differences in sex drives.
“I think that in the olden days most grandparents slept in separate rooms because of different old age illnesses they had ...” she says.
“But I think the more [likely] underlying reason has a lot to do with sex drive.
“Biologically, women reach their sexual peak earlier than men and go into menopause while men still have a few more [years] left in them, so I personally think that the decision was influenced by avoiding any sexual contact or even temptation or taunting by the more active partner.”
But can the decision to sleep in separate bedrooms work with younger couples today?
A 2014 study by the National Sleep Foundation found that about a quarter of couples sleep in separate rooms.
The study found that the reasons for this had nothing to do with the relationship being
in trouble, but varied between snoring and insomnia.
Mofokeng says that this is highly likely, as people nowadays have discovered the benefits of a good night’s sleep.
“More and more people are health conscious in today’s world, and many people value their sleep, as they should. When a partner snores loudly and different remedies have failed to alleviate the situation, some people may feel that separate bedrooms may be the answer.
“Other people have different work schedules and do not want to go through the hassle of being woken up by their partners when they are coming from work or getting ready to go to work.
“So it can be for practical, considerate reasons that a couple may seek to sleep in different
bedrooms.”
Mofokeng cites that other reasons could be the one partner having insomnia, while others may not be able to sleep without the television or radio on. These reasons, she says, could contribute to the couple sleeping in different beds.
Could there be any downfalls to this arrangement, though?
Mofokeng says yes. “There is a certain level of intimacy that comes with sleeping next to a partner.
“Only you know exactly what they look like when they wake up. They are there to snuggle up to when you have just had a nightmare.
“All this leads back to intimacy within a relationship, which I feel would be lost if couples chose to sleep in different bedrooms.
“Your sex life could also take a tumble, because it will become a chore to be engaged with your partner, only to put your clothes back on and go to your room. So couples need to really think about it carefully when making this decision.”
Mofokeng advises that couples seek a more inclusive solution to dealing with disruptive sleeping patterns or work schedules.
“There are various medical technologies on the market to curb snoring and insomnia nowadays, for example, and some things can be resolved with both partners [seeing a therapist and] sitting down and discussing a possible outcome that can still keep them sleeping in the same bed.
Sleeping in separate bedrooms should be the absolute last option.”
‘‘ It will become a chore to be engaged with your partner