Marriages not made in heaven
Why some people go through multiple divorces
Ever heard the phrase “Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice and shame on me?”
Well, this phrase usually speaks to us learning from our mistakes in life and not repeating them.
This is the reason we often cast a look of judgment on people who have been married – and divorced – more than three times.
We have heard of people going onto their fourth marriage and inevitably wonder: what happened to the other three marriages?
Well, American grandmother Linda Wolfe, who is 68, took it to a whole new level when she shocked the world by being the only person who has walked down the aisle, and divorced, a staggering 23 times. Yes, she has 23 ex-husbands.
Wolfe’s longest marriage was seven years and her shortest 36 hours, and she admits the reason they all ended was because “something was just not there”.
Is this possible? Can you really go through more than three marriages and still have not found The One?
Could it be a stroke of bad luck or do these people have to start pointing the finger of blame at themselves?
Psychologist Mampho Mofokeng, who often administers marriage counselling to couples on the brink of divorce, says that while one divorce is not a stigma anymore, a second, third and even fourth definitely solicits judgment from society.
But Mofokeng says the chances of second, third and subsequent marriages lasting are not very high, so their demise should not exactly come as a surprise.
“Second marriages and those that come after the second are often extremely hard for a number of factors. The first can be the integration of stepchildren. Parenting children from a divorce background is usually difficult because the children often have their own emotional issues going on. So, in cases where both spouses have children from their previous marriages, trying to integrate them into the new blended family is bound to cause a lot of chaos, which can put a strain on the marriage itself.
“The couple may find they disagree about parenting styles and their ex-spouses may be an obtrusive force too, making the current marriage take strain and eventually fall apart at the seams.”
A rebound is another reason why marriages after the first do not work.
“Often people do not allow themselves ample time to mourn the end of their first marriage properly and do proper introspection as to the reasons that may have led to divorce, and usually jump right into the next marriage, which will often see their true feelings unravelling or even repeating the mistakes of the past,” Mofokeng says.
“Another reason is the ease of dissolving a relationship, primarily because the newly married couple does not have kids of their own. Usually, people enter their second or third or fourth marriage way past their child-bearing phase, so they do not and cannot have any children together. While this reason may be overlooked by many, it is usually one of the biggest reasons why these marriages fall apart.
“Children can be the glue that keeps the couple together and make them want to resolve their issues for the sake of keeping their children. So, when you remove that factor, usually couples find that when they hit an iceberg, there really isn’t any incentive to stay and make it work.”