Eloping not for the faint-hearted
Rejection by the family most likely
The idea of eloping seems great on paper. You run away, get married, come back and live happily ever after.
But how realistic is it? Should you contemplate eloping and cutting out all the hoopla and expenses that come with a wedding?
Psychologist Shirley Masemola says in the black community especially, eloping may be frowned upon for a number of reasons – one of the most glaring being lobola.
“Eloping could mean that no lobola negotiations are done, and considering the cultural factors that will not be filtered in the decision to elope, and keeping in mind that eloping is done in secret, it certainly means that no lobola negotiations – just you and your fiance.
“This can, in some cultures, cause a big uproar,” she says.
Masemola also says people may be apprehensive to elope for the following reasons: Our cultural background
●
(how we were raised and what we were taught); Practices within specific
● cultures (in certain cultures the bride needs to be introduced and welcomed into the family and the village); The thought of disrespecting
● parents and elders (should you go on with this idea, what will you be saying to your parents and family regarding “amasiko”); and
Who do you come back to – in ● case something happens – and how do you explain your actions to the parents?
That said, Masemola adds that couples who find themselves in a tight corner may choose eloping as a last resort without anyone disrupting their union.
“A couple would elope should they feel that there is no genuine approval of their union and love from their parents and family members.
“A couple may also decide to elope to avoid financial constraints and the big deal of having a big wedding.”
According to Masemola, instances that may call for eloping can be:
A young couple whom their
● parents are of the view they are too young to get married; The woman may be pregnant ● and of the knowledge that the family or parents may not approve; Financial challenges and the ● stress of planning a wedding; and
Same-sex marriages which
● may be taboo to the family, thus avoiding the judgment and rejection.
However, Masemola says there can be some benefits to eloping. These are: Eloping can save the couple
● money in planning and financing a wedding; Emotional fulfilment in sharing ● an intimate day with your fiance; and
The couple could also spend
● the money that would go to the planning of a wedding on investing and buying property to start their new journey.
On the flip side, some of the pitfalls may be: Unfortunately, as glamorous, ● spontaneous and exciting eloping can sound and be, one has to consider the realities of being judged and disowned by family, friends and parents; One may wish they had their ● loved ones there to share in the moment of happiness to create memories, thus causing a bit of hesitation in the decision made;
This may cause challenges,
● resentments, blame and regrets in the marriage should things take a turn for the worse (no one to turn to during challenging times in the marriage); and
This creates disappointments ● and hurt for parents, friends and family.
Can eloping cause an impact on the quality of the relationship itself?
Masemola seems to think so, and says that how eloping affects the couple in the long run depends on the couple and their reasons for eloping.
“When we choose to get married we should bear in mind that it involves the bringing together of two families who want to share in this beautiful journey.
“We are not islands and thus the importance of approval, blessings and support from our parents and families should be considered.