Rotating lights and names for kingdom

Load of bull

What do you do if you can’t keep the main switch up? If you are Eishkom you definitely play verbal gymnastics, of course.

They have been unable to keep the home fires burning this winter, literally across huge swaths of Jozi and, with the mercury plummeting, they sought to make a dire situation sound a tad better than it was.

They assured users (that is if you can call people without ugesi such) there will be no load shedding in their area, but load rotating instead.

Same difference

Vera tried hard to figure out what the difference was and couldn’t help noticing the results were the same ... it all left her ample behind frozen. No chill in Mzansi.

Thank heavens for the sexy little thing in her bed who, unlike the boys at Eishkom or Shitty Power, can keep things up, for hours on end.

Mountains out of molehills

Thank you, Eusebius dahling, for the most lit wireless show in the mornings. Vera was entertained when some of the male species had that quasi-debate the other day about the virtues or lack thereof of sending our boys to the mountain.

Some said they learnt zilch from the imaginary “real men” who were teaching them how to be men and, interestingly, how to treat women!

It gave Vera an idea; she would pay all these mountain schools sprouting all over the place a visit to teach the boys how to really treat a real woman – at a fee of course.

The men even argued why what happens there is a guarded secret.

Missed opportunity

As is the norm when boys have their arguments, the ‘debate’ was going round in circles, but Vera thinks you missed a chance, Eubie dear, when you didn’t tap into the guest who walked into your studio a few minutes after the hot air on the snip in the bush was cut short.

Go telling on the mountain.

Razz would have made for a perfect expert on what really goes on on the mountain.

Many will recall when faced with a raw, Juju-type loudmouth Razz in the Khongolose kindergarten, Comrade Tony put his guerilla skills to good use and kidnapped someone and took them to a mountain school.

To cut another long story short, and after all was said and done, an old woman came down the mountain in place of the tjatjarag boy who Comrade Tony abducted.

Well, like in Vegas, it seems what happens on the mountain stays on the mountain. And we sistas will have to stay in the dark in more ways than Eishkom imagined.

Keep on walking

Vera agrees with an observation made on social media that this Silili guy encouraged South Africans to take walks because he always knew his government was going to leave us punch drunk with all these petrol price hikes. Soon a tank will be worth much more than the cars we fill up! Then we’ll all turn to our 2 Series.

Off with Natal

Now that King Zwelithini is toying with the idea of creating a country all his own just because he’s jealous of how Kgalema keeps his hair pitch black while the goatee is snow white, Vera thinks the new kingdom deserves a new name.

We know what is KwaZulu but what about this appendage called Natal?

Drop Natal, Vera says. Zulu royals like iSilo would not mind another European name seeing their fondness of things European... just look at those British military costumes the king wears to the opening of the provincial legislature.

Umlungu wethu

Vera initially thought of Felgate, after Walter Felgate – that white Zulu who used to threaten mayhem in the 1990s if Mandela and his communist pals didn’t give in to the Zulu nation’s demand for federalism.

But then she remembered that he disqualified himself by frolicking with Tata’s Khongolose once he tasted the New Satafrica and realised it wasn’t as bad as umtwana feared. No, Felgate is out. May his soul RIP.

How would KwaZulu-Niehaus sound? Never one to allow a vacuum when an opportunity for the politics of the stomach presents itself, comrade Carl has manoeuvred into position and is now the new white Zulu, his woefully out-of-step toyi-toyi notwithstanding.

Vera wonders though if anyone reminded his new friends that Niehaus was in Shell House that day when the comrades opened fire on amabutho back in 1994.