The day I had surprised all on my surprise birthday party
There was a surprise in my bed, snoring like hell
My birthday finally arrived. Thirtysix years old, and still not married.
Unlike most years, I actually had a birthday date this time around. Yes, a gentleman dedicated to spoiling me for the day. Awesome.
I was actually so excited I had a wish list for things I had planned for past birthdays that did not materialise.
I am just as dreamy as the next girl. But thankfully, I particularly, do not like birthday parties.
Especially for the awkwardness of the part where everyone sings the birthday song, and I have to stand there and grin until I am able to scream “hooray!”
Surprise parties are even worse for me. I prefer being involved in the planning of things. And my sister learnt the hard way a decade ago.
After meticulous planning, prolonged lies, precise scheduling and stealing my spare keys for access to my cabin; she gathered a group of my friends into my bedroom at midnight to scream out “surprise” on the first minute of my birthday.
It all sounded so sweet. A loving sis, a few great friends creeping into my house in the middle of the night, at the height of my youth, expecting to find me lying there nje waiting to be surprised.
Well they did scream “surprise!” at the top of their voices and continued screaming… in shock - at the sight of a large man bundled up in my bed, butt-naked and snoring in whistles. Surprise! Surprise!
The party went on alright. I don’t think I blinked much through it. I had drunk seven too many glasses of wine before bed and kept wondering what all these people were doing in my house.
I was so shocked from all of it, I spent the night smoking.
Since then, nobody in my circle dares pull such stunts on me, and I make sure to reiterate to all new friends that I really do not like surprises.
While I had not planned a party this week – I did have a few ideas I had always thought make birthdays memorable: wake up to breakfast in bed, spend the entire day under covers, and take a rosy bath together in candle-light.
Ahhh, only this time, things were a tad tricky, see.
My birthday date is a really great guy, caring and all, but I would not dare eat his eggs.
He made them look like they were scrambled by a lightning strike. Even their colour was dusty.
And there was a unscented cotton sanitary pad between me and birthday sex. Then, his last gym membership was with the Health & Racquet Club about 40kg ago.
If we dared try fit into a bath together, I risked getting crushed.
Happy birthday, Kwanele.