It’s over. Now go to sleep
Just four years to wait until Shakira shakes her booty in Russian
THE end of the World Cup feels a bit like everyone has to go back to school. And if that’s how it seems to us, imagine how it feels for Brazilians: consigned to clean up all the beer bottles and used condoms after an unimaginably expensive house party where one of the guests left with all the silverware. In fairness, we’ve been there too, but at least nobody with half a brain actually expected Bafana Bafana to win.
Still, despite the unexpected humiliation of finishing fourth, Brazil managed to end things off in good humour with a dazzling World Cup closing ceremony. Oh no, wait: they didn’t. All things considered, it was a bit rubbish. It lasted about 15 minutes. It was basically the hosts’ way of turning all the lights on and telling everyone to get the hell out.
Part of the problem was actually that all the lights were on: the closing ceremony took place in bright afternoon sunlight, which never gives the appropriately bittersweet feel to farewell proceedings. Every good party needs mood lighting. For a sense of valediction, you want dusk, not noon.
There were spinning white meringues waving flags. The World Cup mascot, Fuelco, did some listless twerking. Maybe his mind was elsewhere, thinking about all the trouble he’s in, since Fuelco was supposed to promote the plight of the endangered Brazilian armadillo. It’s safe to say he didn’t, since most people don’t associate endangered armadillos with selfies and on-stage dry-humping, Fuelco’s two favoured preoccupations.
Former Haitian presidential contender Wyclef Jean made an appearance, singing while a group of Brazilian women seized the moment to do some aerobics. “Wyclef Jean will be giving us We Will Find A Way,” an SABC1 presenter had promised earlier. “But in Brazilian, of course, it will be ‘Dar Um Jeito’.” If a month of having the World Cup in Brazil still hasn’t taught us that Brazilian is not a language, it’s safe to say that armadillo is properly screwed.
Local musician Carlinhos Brown was there, looking a lot like the dude on the Spur logo with a feathered headdress. It wouldn’t be a World Cup without Shakira, who has apparently won the Fifa tender for closing ceremony performances until the end of time. Wrapped in red sticky-tape, she led the audience in a rousing chorus of “la la la la la”, which is Brazilian for “waka waka eh eh”.
Legendary guitarist Carlos Santana was dragged out to do his bit, disguised in a long leather coat as “playground flasher”, and looking a bit like he hoped nobody would recognise him under his hat and shades. The sound quality was akin to someone humming while on a deep-sea dive.
At the end of the day, though, it’s important to focus on the bigger picture: that bald rapper Pitbull had been returned to his kennel. And for those of us who don’t have to deal with the clean-up, it was a wonderful World Cup. Goals in abundance, fanatical crowd spirit, a bite from Luis Suarez, and some deafening boos for Sepp Blatter at the closing ceremony. If Suarez had only bitten Blatter, we might well class it as the best World Cup ever.
Only four years to wait till the next one in Russia. Shakira is probably already working on some powerful new consonant and vowel combinations. For the rest of us, more sleep midweek in the meantime. And if you’re already suffering withdrawal symptoms from theatrical writhing, devastating failures and over-the-top commentary, the good news is that a new season of Idols is underway.