LEADER OF THE BLAND

Thomas Falkiner takes the new Audi A4 for a middle-of-the-road spin

S OME cars command your attention. Drive a supercharged Jaguar F-Type V8 down a winding, preferably damp road and not much will come between you and it. You’ll be totally immersed in the moment: your core vibrating from the roar of the exhaust system, your forearms poised to deal with the omnipresent threat of crazy power on oversteer. The same can be said for the Abarth 595. Although it costs roughly five times less than the Jag, it will still suck you into the moment with its hyperactive ride, growly engine and turbo boost gauge that sweeps from left to right with every prod of the accelerator pedal. Cars like these push you into the realm of automotive fantasy.

At the other end of the spectrum there are automobiles that do none of the above. Like a poker-faced German banker, these vehicles favour a far more pragmatic approach. Cars like the new Audi A4 that recently graced my garage.

Built to take on the BMW 3 Series, the previous generation A4 was perhaps one of the most visually uninspired in the model’s long history. Obviously not the manic RS4 — that was glammed up to the nines — but the regular ev the eryday models that regular everyday people would purchase were Zaleplon on wheels.

Which is why I was quite excited to get this all-new model on test. Surely the designers had injected it with that much-needed pizazz we’ve all been crying out for over years?

Unfortunately it seems they haven’t really done much at all. There’s a new front grille, a little more curve to the bonnet and a pair of tail-lights that give a nod to the A3 sedan. It’s a tad wider and longer than it was before. But other than that, the new A4 bears a striking resemblance to its former self.

This means that the entry-level models, with their teeny 16- or 17inch alloy wheels, remain the same prosaic proposition they always were. Oh sure, you can build them up to look a whole lot more substantial — some of the options include bigger wheels, LED headlamps, a beefier sound system — but this can add much to the already quite steep price tag.

At least you get that fancy Audi Virtual Cockpit display system punted in the TV commercials, right? Wrong. Contrary to what the ad campaigns seem to be communicating, Virtual Cockpit doesn’t come standard in the new A4. It’s an option and an expensive one at that, because it requires the installation of satellite navigation plus a few other gizmos. You’re looking at around R42 580 for the privilege; in the new VW Passat a similar setup costs roughly half as much.

What of the driving experience? Well, like its looks suggest, the new A4 is a grownup and sensible steer. I sampled the 2.0 TFSI. It’s not too fast. It’s not too slow. It’s not too hard. It’s not too soft. It’s not too engaging. It’s not too aloof.

It rolls you from point A to point B in a benign, effortless and Teutonic fashion. Emotionless, perhaps, but that’s kind of the Audi way nowadays, isn’t it?

There is no pretence with the new Audi A4. What you see is exactly what you get.

And sometimes, for some people, that’s all you ever need in a four-door saloon car.

The entry-level models remain the same prosaic proposition they always were