FIVE-RING CIRCUS
Olympics coverage and some other stuff on TV this week
HAS there been an Olympic Games in recent history over which the shadow of doom has hung as heavily as with Rio 2016? All we’ve heard about is how athletes are to be accommodated in crack dens, how the tap water is brimming with dysentery, and how everyone is going to get Zika and spawn a generation of miniathletes with very small heads.
It was a pleasant surprise, then, to switch on SABC2 for the opening ceremony and find an Olympic spectacle much like any other. It was also a pleasant surprise to switch on SABC2 and find the Olympics at all, because rumours were swirling that the national broadcaster was set to pull the plug on all its Olympic coverage. I am beginning to suspect that the entire idea of the SABC is a surrealist performance art piece. How else to respond to the news that the broadcaster now gives free funeral cover to everyone who pays their TV licences?
But it does seem like we’re getting the Olympics — at least until Hlaudi has his next hot flush. The opening ceremony was beamed to us from Rio’s Maracanã stadium, which I can imagine must have caused some consternation in the corridors of Auckland Park: “Did someone say Marikana? CUT THAT FEED!”
There were reports that the ceremony would cost 85% less than its predecessor in London, and this seemed plausible when the show kicked off with participants writhing on the floor wrapped in tin foil. A whirlwind tour of the history of human life in South America followed, starting with amoebas flailing about in the primordial soup. Maybe it was intended as a pointed message to US creationists.
The two heroes of the Rio opening ceremony were samba and fireworks, with the bronze medal going to model Gisele Bundchen. Organisers tried to sandwich in some global warming messages, which felt a bit insincere considering that half the globe has flown in emission-belching planes to Brazil.
Watching the national teams walk out at the Olympics is a bit like following local election results: it starts off fun and exciting, but pretty soon you’re guiltily checking out other channels. Almost two hours of nations parading can feel a bit much, though here in Cape Town we’ve built up greater endurance through Tweede Nuwe Jaar. The most enjoyment is definitely had by the athletes, who at least get to take selfies for Facebook.
We were told it was a ceremony characterised by gambiarra: the Brazilian ability to “make something great out of almost nothing”. We in South Africa should really look into developing a better gees of gambiarra.