We regret to announce a change of tune

BEING able to afford to travel by air rather than road or rail is the preserve of the privileged because it is faster, safer and more pleasant than any other travelling option.

Such a pity, then, that aspects of airline behaviour turn what should be a pleasure into a mixed blessing.

I am specifically referring to the way airlines treat passengers when flights are delayed. This abuse must be stopped in its tracks. It would surely not be advisable to contend that Airlines Must Fall, but it is about time that we as consumers stand up for our rights and regulate or legislate so that Airlines Must Pay.

This past Monday, I arrived at one of South Africa’s smaller airports to fly home. I was on time, as ever. Everybody knows a plane waits for no one. Be late and you forfeit your seat and your money. You snooze, you lose.

Surely it is only fair that the airlines are held to the same strict and simple standard when they are late? Except, of course, that they are not. They get off scot-free.

You see, while checking in my luggage on Monday, the airline person cheerily informed me that there would be a delay of three hours on my flight.

I couldn’t believe it. A three-hour delay on an hour-and-a-half flight! Also, this specific airport I was stuck at isn’t three hours’ flying time from anywhere in the country. All South African airports are situated closer than that to where I was.

Which proved the utter disdain of the airline for the delayed passengers’ time, comfort and circumstances. It meant no plane was on its way to fetch us.

There was absolutely no urgency to solve the problem.

If you ever ask for the reason for the delay, you get one of two incomprehensible and unhelpful answers: “rotation” or “the late arrival of the incoming flight”.

I mean, what does “rotation” even mean? And whose fault is it that the incoming flight is or was late? Surely not that of the passengers, of whom the expectation seems to be that they grin and bear it.

There really wasn’t much to do at this dinky toy airport so I grinned and bore it for a while, grabbing a coffee and reading Jared Diamond’s excellent book Guns, Germs and Steel.

Then an announcement. The stranded passengers could claim a refreshment voucher.

Which turned out to be worth all of R75 and not accepted by the restaurant in the airport where I tried to spend it. Some help that was!

All that remained for us was to realise that we had to take our cue from the travellers in the opening scene of Casablanca, “and wait, and wait, and wait” for the flight out.

Last Monday’s ordeal was irritating, but it was by far not the worst I’ve experienced. I was once stuck in Dakar for two days on a flight to Atlanta because the Delta pilot put the plane down so hard that it could not take off again.

Dakar might be lovely, but not if you are stuck dressed for the US winter, without a Senegalese visa (no Gorée visits), swatting mosquitoes in a run-down hotel. At least I had Frantz Fanon’s The Wretched of the Earth to help me kill time.

A close second to the Dakar nightmare was the nine hours I once had to spend at Lanseria, outside Johannesburg. I can’t recall whether it was blamed on “rotation” or “late incoming flight” that time, and frankly I don’t care. That time my book was Zelda la Grange’s excellent Good Morning, Mr Mandela.

Yes, the wait is irritating. But what really gets my back up is the complete indifference of each of the airlines involved. Except for the meaningless “rotation” or “late incoming flight” platitudes (always followed by the obviously insincere “The airline regrets any inconvenience caused”) the airline staff couldn’t give two hoots about passengers’ concerns.

The general attitude of airline ground staff seems to be: “It’s not my fault so don’t bother me.”

Well, I’ve had enough. I want the airline to regret it. Really, sincerely regret it. And the only way to make them mean what they say is to hit them where it hurts — in their pockets and on their bottom line.

So I believe airlines should pay for delayed flights. It would be preferable for the airline to pay back the money to passengers at a rate determined by the length of the delay.

That could be hard to administer, so I propose parliament pass an amendment to the laws or regulations governing airlines, imposing a fine for delayed flights. I’m sure the improvement would be swift.

And I regret any inconvenience caused to the airlines. As much as they ever sincerely regret messing up my day. What goes around comes around, after all.