Hogarth

Mrs Gigabyte gets a dressing-down

POOR Malusi Gigaba. Not only does he have to contend with ratings agencies that think a man in tightfitting designer suits can never be trusted with looking after the fiscus, but his home affairs look like they are giving him sleepless nights. WHO’S THE BOSS:

The other day his wife, Malusi Gigaba Norma, took to Instagram to thank designer Gavin Rajah for a dress he made for “my angel”, her stepdaughter from Gigaba’s previous relationship.

The next thing, Gigaba’s ex-wife, Nok’thaba, posted pictures on Facebook of her and the daughter wearing the same dress with the following message: “Do I need to say much? Pictures ayazikhulumela [speak for themselves] . . . She is the bone of my bone . . . The flesh of flesh . . . Hey! My maid must just chill now and enjoy the roller-coaster ride.” Ouch!

High fashion with high ambitions

NOTICE how Norma’s Instagram handle has suddenly changed from Mrs Gigabyte to a more respectable @norma.gigaba now that hubby is finance minister?

She is clearly taking his new title very seriously, so seriously, in fact, that she has started behaving like those celebrity first ladies who spend their time dispensing unsolicited advice to womenfolk. Among her most recent nuggets of wisdom is the following fashion advice: “Dressing well involves understanding your body, accepting your body shape and skin tone and also being confident of who you are.”

Given that her husband’s predecessor was fired because, among other things, Business Times referred to him in a headline as “President Gordhan”, Hogarth thinks Norma should tread carefully — lest an “intelligence report” reaches No 1 claiming she and her husband have Union Buildings ambitions.

Razzmatazz busy in the charge office

NEWLY appointed Police Minister Fikile Mbalula this week reported for duty at his favourite hangout, Twitter, with this message: “Am here for you guys REPORT . . . crime am here . . . Let’s gooooooooooooooo!”

Twitterati obliged by sending him the following responses: “My boyfriend promised to marry me in 2016, please arrest him”; “Apparently there’s been a heist involving billions. Suspects live in Saxonwold and Nkandla. Lock them up now sir!”; “Reporting #Zuma’s 783 counts of #corruption, #fraud, and #racketeering. That should keep you busy & off the red carpets”; and “I would like to report a president gone wild.”

Hogarth hears Saxonwold might be shopping for a new police minister, one without a Twitter account.

Our spy who stays out in the cold

HIS name is Mahlobo, David Mahlobo. And he makes a terrible spy master. He is so bad at it that his boss fired one of his colleagues on the back of an intelligence report he received but Mahlobo, as state security minister, knows nothing about it.

“We’ve heard about the report, we are investigating it,” said Mahlobo of the report No 1 used to fire Gordhan.

So if Mahlobo is not the one who gave No 1 the report, who did?

Perhaps if he stopped following No 1 around and whispering sweet nothings in his ear, Mahlobo would actually realise that he was out of his depth and only good at gossiping.

Baby veterans but ancient youth leaguers

HOGARTH was not surprised to hear that the Nkandla Crooner’s loyalists had rushed to Luthuli House on Friday to “defend” the ANC headquarters against peaceful marchers demanding that Baba kaDuduzane step down from office.

However, he could not help but concur with those commentators who observed that a strange phenomenon seems to have happened in the ruling party.

Most of the Umkhonto weSizwe military veterans who stood outside Luthuli House in combat uniforms looked young enough to qualify for membership of the ANC Youth League, while ANC Youth League leaders resembled people who were already around when BJ Vorster was prime minister.

Last word, but it might be a contradiction

TO Mantashe (verb): To say one thing on a Friday and argue the direct opposite on a Tuesday. Write to hogarth@sundaytimes.co.za

Hollow laugh

THE whole nation was horrified to learn on Monday that S&P Global Ratings had downgraded South Africa to junk status.

But not this Mampara and her social-media friends. Instead, the water and sanitation minister celebrated the economically damaging news, saying this was “actually better” as “Western investors will pull back” and South Africa would then “consolidate” its relations with Africa and Brics.

With economic illiterates like her in President Jacob Zuma’s cabinet, there is no wonder our country — once A-rated — now has junk status.