Shanthini Naidoo’s Guide to the Park Run in 30 steps
1. Finally made it! Took five years, but at 7.55am on a Saturday, I am here!
2. Oh. Em. Gee. People have been doing this forever. Where was I? They have the Tshirts to prove it, red 50-run and black 100run T-shirts. Geez. Some people are really committed.
3. So many elderly people, and babies. I am a pathetic excuse for a human being. I live 2km away. Then again, it is 8am on a Saturday . . .
4. The announcer mentions visitors from Parys. Who made it on time. At 8am on Saturday.
5. A really fit guy in a tank top (in autumn) has two cute pugs on a double leash.
6. Dog owners talk about exercising their animals. Where was I while the neighbourhood dogs were getting their heart rates up? Home, probably making pancakes.
7. The start whistle! Excited, adrenaline. Let’s go.
8. A slow start. You cannot run if you’re at the back of a pack. So I walk. What is that beeping sound? 9. The crowd is dispersing, time to run.
10. So many people have fitness devices these days.
11. Damn it, forgot to log my workout on my fitness device. Beep.
12. Can’t run, too unfit. Can’t breathe. Stop and wheeze. An elderly man overtakes me at a jog.
13. Delta Park is really stunning in autumn. Beautiful lakes, auburn trees, wild daisies, cosmos.
14. There is far too much neon lycra polluting this natural environment.
15. Wow, when did fitness gear become so fancy?
16. Who are all these people and how do they all seem to know each other? 17. I should get a running partner. 18. There are couples running hand-inhand. Aww.
19. A man is literally towing his wife uphill. Adorbs.
20. Two girls are complaining about their boyfriends. One suggests prolonged crying to show him a point. Only works in the beginning, babe. They become immune, I mentally tell her. Cannot speed walk and speak. Nix the running partner for now.
21. My watch pings, halfway. Not bad, I’m not even sweaty. But I am still not running. 22. Yay, downhill, time to run. 23. Catch up with the old man. Goals. 24. The pugs are ahead of me. Their legs may be shorter, but they have four. 25. Ow, stitch in my side. 26. Walking is still exercising. 27. Must carry more tissues, the cold air is killing my sinuses. Snot city out here. 28. Nearly there. Nearly there. Oh gawd is that another uphill?
29. There is really a lot of dog poop in this park. Do people not poop scoop while running?
30. It. Is. Over. Exhilarating. Result: 5km in 52 minutes. Next goal: beat the octogenarian, or at least the pugs.