LESSONS FROM THE ROAD
■ It’s hard to buy “drugs” in Edinburgh. A pharmacist here refused to sell us each a box of Nurofen Cold & Flu tablets as we clearly knew each other.
■ Scottish restaurants offer a selection of daily newspapers for their customers — and reading glasses for when the newsprint is a wee bit small.
■ Lovely day?” (with questioning tone) is the standard greeting at urinals. Don’t ignore or it will be repeated. The appropriate response is “Aye, lovely day!” Both seem to apply no matter how awful the weather.
■ “Haste Ye Back” (“Come Back Soon”) is the standard sign at most village exits in the Highlands.
■ Nothing will keep your hands warm as you hare through the Highlands on a motorbike at 100km/h — not even built-in hand warmers on your grips.
■ Scottish salmon tastes even better when it hasn’t made the long trek to Cape Town (and it’s delicious in Cape Town).
■ The Highland midge (feared in these parts) is the Scottish equivalent of the mosquito. We weren’t bothered by them but found a proliferation of giant bugs across most of England and Wales. We stopped fairly often to wipe our visors. I would not recommend an open-face helmet for England in spring.
■ The Seaview Hotel in John O’Groats has absolutely no sea view.
■ Just because you speak the same language on paper doesn’t mean you’ll avoid communication breakdowns. Example: When we asked our host for tips on keeping our hands warm, she went into a long explanation of how her hens stay cosy in winter.
■ Scotland is a nation of campers, vanners and motor-homers with a healthy dollop of cyclists, runners and hikers thrown in. They don’t give a damn about the weather.
■ When a northern Scottish woman tells you she’s very broad, she’s not talking about the size of her bum. She means her accent.
■ There’s no shortage of wildlife up north and none of them — deer, otters, red squirrels or sheep — look left before crossing the road.
■ While the rest of the world makes do with tea and coffee in hotel rooms, the Scots do hot chocolate and shortbread.
■ Find a remote, uninhabited place in Scotland and there’s sure to be a red, public phone booth, just standing there in the middle of nowhere.
■ Sheep are exceptionally camera shy (or cunning). Every time I stopped to get a picture of them lying around, they got up and walked away, trying to look busy and not at all lazy.
■ Highway off-ramps in northern England are about as rare as petrol stations in northern Scotland.
■ UK politicians care little for Scottish votes. We didn’t see one campaign poster in 1 300km up north. As soon as we rode into England, there were tons.
■ English cows are as lazy as Scottish sheep.
■ Signs outside village pubs in Wales say, “Muddy boots and paws welcome.” I guess businesses wouldn’t survive in these parts otherwise.
■ Don’t ask for Guinness in Brains Dark country (Brains is a brewery founded in 1882 in Cardiff, Wales). And definitely don’t tell the Welsh it’s not as good!
■ The owner of Coxley House, the grandest guesthouse in Upper Coxley, may have the dirtiest car in England.
■ There is a genuine history of piracy in Penzance, it’s not just a Gilbert and Sullivan musical.
■ The worst coffee in England is at the Cat & Fiddle Inn in Exeter.
■ Pub meals across Scotland, Wales and England are generally top-notch.
■ Always check your fuel gauge before your morning departure.
■ The British really are excellent drivers, cautious and courteous without fail.