Hate the game, don’t hate the players
DECEMBER is upon us. Not the calendar month, which feels like it began years ago – but the event. “DECEMBER”. The Showdown. The Klap Final. The Game of Groans. The head-on collision between the forces of State Capture aka Radical Economic Transformation vs the forces of White Monopoly Capital (aka Constitutionalism). Your choice of labels depends on who has paid for your shorts, or has promised you some shorts. The football metaphor used here to preview the Battle of Nasrec is not a perfect fit, not least due to the massive bellies of many of the star players. But in some ways, it works. There will be fouls aplenty, there will be an own goal or two, and the playing field will not be level at any given point. The ref has been bought at least 783 times, based on the last official count. Supporters of NDZ United may be annoyed at the suggestion that their heroes are coached by an illicit ciggy pusher, a veteran state capturer and her ex-husband’s sleazy former other boss. But hey, it’s not our fault she has such iffy taste in friends and financiers. Similarly, the CR17 fan base will bridle at the implication that Ramaphosa’s tacticians are quietly taking instruction from big business, or, dare we say it, rainbow monopoly capital. That accusation is, of course, a central plank of NDZ’s propaganda platform. But it is what it is. If you trust the wisdom and fair-mindedness of tycoons, because you are one, then you’re the business-friendly candidate. Own it. Only some of South Africa’s tycoons are literally master criminals in the legal sense, and their identities will be revealed sooner or later when their companies implode, taking our pensions with them. Until then, they are all innocent until proven guilty.
You will notice the unwelcome pitch invasion by Black First Land First, who come equipped with lynch-mob hoods and nooses but seem to have forgotten their pants. Their work is being lovingly documented by the MultiChoice-subsidised ANN7. Please note Faith Muthambi showering her beloved family with favours, and Ace Magashule operating his very own artisanal dairy. Jeff Radebe is requesting something special via SMS, while Jeremy Cronin is reciting an appropriate poem. Lynne Brown and Tony Gupta are both seriously injured before the action has even begun. Carl Niehaus is not injured, sadly, and is thus perfecting his experimental toyi-toyi, despite Chief Justice Mogoeng Mogoeng’s verdict that it breaks the rhythm of the constitution.
Bongani Bongo has fired home an early own goal, much to the distress of NDZ keeper Lindiwe Zulu and the atomic gangster David Mahlobo. Meanwhile, Pravin Gordhan is still telling Gwede Mantashe and everyone else what to do, despite having no official role whatsoever.
The good news is that the conference will soon be over. The bad news is that the conference might collapse and be reconvened at regular intervals until NDZ United win the party presidency. The other good news is that we, all the citizens of South Africa, will still have the final word, come 2019, on who gets to screw us over.
The ref has been bought at least 783 times, based on the last official count.