THERE’S GOT TO BE A MORNING AFTER

These five hangover cures, from charcoal to sex, will help you make it through the night

The magnitude of human perversity is never more apparent than in relation to the way we drink. There is something comically childlike about our chagrin the day after we drink to excess; particularly given that, by the age of majority, most of us are well-versed in the after-effects of spirituous Saturnalia. Needless to say, most hangover cures are analogous to diet pills: they are a pathetically futile bid to circumvent the exigencies of temperance, after the fact. But then, life is short, and moderation is mundane, unimaginative, and a near cousin to tedium.

In the spirit of enhancing your sybaritic stamina this festive season, here are five fairly novel hangover cures to combat your nauseous contrition.

ACTIVATED CHARCOAL

Activated charcoal (pictured above) is the new darling of holistic health-food fanatics, but it’s long been in use in medical environs for counteracting the effects of overdose. Please don’t go foraging in the charred remains of your braai: this sooty black powder is not akin to its combustible counterpart. It’s the byproduct of a variety of charred vegetation — coconut, or bamboo, or wood — which is subsequently exposed to chemicals — “activated” — to enhance its porousness. Taken in the form of a pill or a powder, activated charcoal is gloriously absorbent: toxins adhere to its prodigious surface area, and are benevolently conveyed out of your adulterated body.

SPRITE

Coke and crème soda are so passé. If you habitually favour the soft-drink solution, try reaching for a Sprite instead: a study by researchers at the Sun Yat-Sen University in China found that the lime and lemon components of this childhood favourite speed up the breakdown of acetaldehyde, an enzyme that assists us in processing alcohol — and evinces its resentment by making us feel miserable. Incidentally, the same study indicated that some ostensibly healthy alternatives — herbal things — actually slow down the process; Sprite is sugary, delicious, and comparatively easy to keep down.

JEEVES’S FAMOUS HANGOVER CURE

For a hangover cure with a romantically literary bent, take a cue from PG Wodehouse’s butler archetype, Jeeves. Companion and loyal confidant to Bertie Wooster, pragmatic Jeeves is obviously an old hand at caring for boozy reprobates: over time, he has perfected a concoction that he guarantees to alleviate the symptoms of, as he discreetly puts it, “a late evening”. To emulate the valet’s approach, combine one raw egg, for nutrition; Worcestershire sauce, for colour; and red pepper, “for bite.” Try it: nascent salmonella aside, you’re in good company.

CHROMIUM TABLETS

Chromium picolinate is an ominoussounding supplement, sometimes used in the treatment of type 2 diabetes. Available in pill form over the counter, small quantities of chromium are useful for stabilising your blood sugar levels, which are liable to rise and then tumble, just as you did in front of your entire family. Since a great deal of the discomfort associated with hangovers is attributable to blood-sugar chaos, popping a few chromium pills before or after drinking might nullify this facet of your fatigue. Take caution, though, and consult a doctor. Chromium picolinate is not suitable for everyone.

SEX

If you possibly can, do. Endorphins are the ultimate panacea; and sex is an excellent method of generating them. The prospect mightn’t be particularly enticing at the apex of your hangover: lethargy, nausea and a pervasive sense of self-loathing aren’t precisely aphrodisiacs. But sex also has antiinflammatory benefits, as a flood of congratulatory oxytocin not only augments conjugal euphoria, but also combats the inflammatory immune response to which some experts attribute hangovers.

L‘I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.’ — Rodney Dangerfield