Nasrec survival guide
Nomfanelo Kota used to earn her monthly pay cheque by spinning for powerful politicians. But this week her Facebook account demonstrated her true calling: that of comedian. This is an edited version of her ‘Survival Guide to the ANC Conference’ . . .Comrades take note!
Insist on being called ‘Chief’, not ‘Cupcake’, especially if you are a CR17 supporter. Names can be very prophetic. Translation: Would a presidential hopeful once nicknamed after a harmless little cake ever make it to the party’s top job? As far as we know there has never been a scientific study into this scenario, so we can’t tell. Agents tasked with smearing the deputy president’s reputation in September apparently concocted communication between Cupcake (Mr Ramaphosa) and a young woman (a Blessee with a heightened sense of humour). Luckily for CR17, the correspondence and purported romance were dismissed as fake news. Use that Tilili (aba bafakwa ngoo Aunty kwi boobs, R159 KWA pep). Not even Mahlobo a.k.a Bongo’s people can Grind that thing. Translation: Leave the ‘Look at me, I’ve Got Moneyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy’ smartcellphone at home. This is the time for the starter pack selling at PEP for only R159. You know, the one that aunties hide away in their bras. It’s the only way to stop spy boss Bongani Bongo from listening in to you plotting with your comrades A tight-fitting gym bra is key, with all that toyi-toying your boobies must stay intact, especially when you are a plus-size delegate. Translation: Female heavyweights, come prepared! Do your manicures and pedicures at home. You don’t want a Mahlobo situation on your hands. Paparazzi can be harmful. Translation: Remember when former spook minister David Mahlobo was bust for his friendship with Guan Jiang Guang, that Chinese guy allegedly linked to rhino poaching? Asked about his frequent visits to Guan, Mahlobo claimed he was visiting his Mbombela spa for manicures and pedicures. Mahlobo as a buff and polish kinda guy? Is Kim Jong-un likely to be appointed a UN goodwill ambassador? As a non-attendance spouse, call your conference delegate at 4am and say you had a bad dream where they were being kidnapped. Insist they take 4-D shots of the hotel room with their phones. You don’t want a Kebby situation on your hands post- conference. Translation: If your other half is at the conference, be very, very vigilant. There’s only one thing worse than discovering your partner has been cheating on you — and that’s discovering your partner cheating on you AND kaalgat AND on Instagram. Military veterans luminary Kebby Maphatsoe could give a tutorial on the subject. Set aside a budget for your Mavusos. We don’t want to read about you in the Sunday World. Translation: Fiscal prudence is required when it comes to all those for an orgy of one-night baby dolls who wake up expecting a tip. At no point, now or never should you ask nor send N.Y.U.D.S. That behaviour is anti-Radical Economic Transformation. Translation: Requested: n.o p.r.i.v.a.t.e.s o.n I.n.s.t.a.g.r.a.m!