MAMPARA OF THE YEAR
The runaway winner is . . .
Your choice for Mampara of the Year is a deserving candidate. He won by a landslide because it would have taken a mampara of a yet-to-be-discovered type to challenge him.
Sheepish Shaun Abrahams made a valiant attempt, but came a distant second for his role in turning the NPA into a toothless dog.
Since his appointment, the castrated ruminant has done everything in his power to make sure our Mampara of the Year does not get his day in court. Thanks to Abrahams, uBaba kaDuduzane is still roaming the streets in his giant convoy instead of cowering in the dock, where he belongs.
In third place is No 1’s No 1 cheerleader, Bathabile Dlamini. Her main offence in 2017, in her role as social development minister, was to endanger the wellbeing of millions of social grant recipients with her lunatic brinkmanship over who should pay grants on behalf of the South African Social Security Agency.
This mampara has other claims to infamy. She angered feminists in July when she told the Sunday Times that the ANC Women’s League, which she leads, included men in its ANC policy conference delegation because women got too emotional when debating issues. And who can forget her spirited defence of convicted woman-basher Mduduzi Manana, in which she told this newspaper that there were other politicians worse than him? She later claimed to have been misquoted, but a tape recording exposed her for the mendacious mampara she is.
Former Eskom CEO and Saxonwold Shebeen founder Crying Molefe also received a significant number of nominations. He confused us all by resigning from Eskom when No 1 wanted him to become our finance minister — then changed his tune by claiming that he had actually taken early retirement.
Reader Shotha Mudau had this to say: “I nominate Brian Molefe because he was one hell of a character this year, like something out of a badly written crime-comedy movie. He got an eNCA journalist to go to Saxonwold looking for a shebeen, and don’t forget the crocodile tears. Now he’s an army colonel. He’s just something else.”
Markus Jooste and Christo Wiese received nominations for their role in the Steinhoff scandal. Readers want these mamparas held responsible for the millions lost by pension funds as a result of the crash in the Steinhoff share price. Wife-killer Christopher Panayiotou was also nominated.
This list would have been incomplete without the usual suspects: Mineral Resources Minister Mosebenzi Zwane, Public Enterprises Minister Lynne Brown, public protector Busisiwe Mkhwebane, disgraced former Hawks head Berning Ntlemeza, former SAA chairwoman Dudu Myeni, Energy Minister David Mahlobo and South African Revenue Service commissioner Tom Moyane. One reader nominated Police Minister Fikile Mbaweezy for his reckless tweets. Some thought the whole ANC leadership deserved the title. Others proposed Ajay and Atul Gupta as joint winners.
However, none of these undoubted mamparas came close to uBaba kaDuduzane for top spot on the podium.
Last year, we excluded No 1 from the list of nominees and gave him a lifetime achievement award so someone else could get a look-in. The SABC’s Cloudy With a Chance of Utter Balls eagerly stepped in to claim the title.
This year — partly due to the overwhelming number of nominations, and partly because the Nkandla Crooner so richly deserves the honour after a presidency that has exhausted adjectives and defied critics — we were compelled to acknowledge the error of our ways.
Drunk on power, in 2017 this mampara went against advice from his fellow top six ANC leaders and removed finance minister Pravin Gordhan and his deputy, Mcebisi Jonas. In another reshuffle six months later, he booted
SACP leader Blade Nzimande out of his cabinet.
He giggled, danced and sang — yet fell silent when evidence, in the form of hundreds of thousands of leaked e-mails, showed that he had delegated to the Guptas the executive powers bestowed upon him by the constitution.
Those exposed as Gupta lackeys, and who abused their office to enrich the family from Saxonwold and Dubai, appear to still enjoy his confidence.
Truly, the corridors of mamparadom have never seen the likes of him. Step forward and claim your laurels, Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zumampara.