GQOM CAN STAY . . . Some other things need to wash out with the tide of 2017

New year, new me, 20sleighteen or whatever other self-motivational tags will undoubtedly be conjured up with the dawn of the New Year. But before you get ahead of yourself, make sure not to drag these atrocities from 2017 with you into 2018.

Vagina makeup

Yes. It really is a thing. A scary and unnecessary thing that brought us vulva highlighter, meant to brighten the nethers and give them a luminous, youthful appearance. Currently only available in Scandinavia, The Perfect V range is said to offer a cream that will soften and prettify the vagina. We love the Scandinavians, they gave us Alexander Skarsgard and Mr Nobel Prizes himself, Alfred Nobel, but this is something they should quietly tuck away. It’s bad enough that the cornucopia of life is already subjected to waxing, shaving and plucking.

Fidget spinners

How does one buy something to fidget with ... to distract one from fidgeting? How?! These dizzying toys meant to help fidgety kids concentrate have become as ubiquitous as Tamagotchis back in the ’90s. Except Tamagotchis at least taught life skills in the form of trying to keep a digital pet alive. Let’s derail this trend which seems to have spun out of control.

Data theft

Using your neighbour’s unsecured wi-fi is not what we are talking about here. No. We are talking about service providers who text you that your data bundle has run out an hour after you loaded a gig. While you are on your company’s wi-fi. We, the people, demand that networks stop stealing our data. We’d start a (proper) social media campaign to protest, but our data’s (mysteriously) run out. Again.

Mansplaining

If you don’t know what this is, you are likely a man or a patriarchy princess. But let us indulge you. The term is a combination of the words “man” and “explaining” which, when one is faced with mansplaining, is usually a condescending or sexist monologue by a man believing to be the authority on all subjects, even the female experience. If you are currently carrying this portmanteau, stop it.

Issa-

Issalot, this trend of shortening “it’s a” to “issa”. It’s been catchy, it’s been fun. But now it’s time to go back to sensibility with the use of adult grammar and spelling. So, the only Issa we are recognising in 2018 is Issa Rae.

Shorthand

Hw r we stil evn hvng 2 b subjctd 2 dis?!

Weak rand

In 2018 we want to prosper, go on international baecations, and join the passport gang. Unfortunately, our currency just won’t let us be great. Paying a gazillion rands for a bottle of water somehow takes the fun out of travelling. Not to mention how ridiculously expensive feeding and clothing oneself has become. If things continue this way, we might end up having to crowdsource our rent or bond payments. Next year, may our dear rand feel free to emulate Bitcoin’s exponential growth.

Chokers

No, we are not talking about our beloved cricket team, but those pesky neck adornments that have overstayed their welcome by several centuries. Fashion trends have a tendency to resurface, but when we allowed our young people to revive a fashion trend made famous by an ageing queen looking to hide a scar, we let ourselves down.

Despacito

We don’t care if a version of the song features Justin Bieber; this song must not follow us into the new year. Sure, it’s catchy and all but like Macarena, Who Let the Dogs Out and Gangnam Style which came and went, Despacito should follow suit (see picture above).

Gqom shaming

Gqom, a derivative of house music that has typically been relegated to taverns and taxis zooming down Durban’s West Street, has (finally!) beat its way into the mainstream. So if like some of you are a hater, stop it. Gqom is life.

Prejudice masquerading as art

Depicting violent acts against women, painting nude political figures in compromising sexual positions and turning iconic images from the struggle into year-leaving invites is not art. It is offensive, prejudiced work that needs to stop. In 2018, let’s seek to create works that are nuanced and more mature.

Changing profile pictures to flags

We love a great cause and with social media allowing a platform on which we can protest and bring awareness like never before, we say viva! But until every tragedy and injustice in the world is treated with the same urgent attention and the on-trend change of profile pictures into the flag of the afflicted country, we say leave this performative protest action behind until you are no longer treating some animals as more equal than others.

●

LWe are fully aware that this list is not exhaustive and is, in part, petty.