HER NUCLEAR BUTTON IS ULTRA VIOLET
When Oprah moves into the Oval Office, expect lots of scatter cushions. And tearful public hugs with Kim Jong-un
Oprah Winfrey’s statesman-like acceptance speech at the Golden Globes has renewed discussion of the talkshow host launching a future US presidential bid. A trip to the future reveals a 2020 news article describing President Winfrey’s inauguration . . . Oprah Winfrey, the soon-to-be 46th president of the United States, looked radiantly happy as she descended the stairs of Washington’s Capitol Building. Flanked by first lady Gayle King, with Winfrey’s partner Stedman Graham following several steps behind, Winfrey dazzled in a form-fitting silhouette gown. A sign of a break with the past was already evident when the traditional inaugural invocations delivered by religious leaders were replaced by inspirational TED talks given by Winfrey’s spiritual advisers Eckhart Tolle, Gary Zukav and Iyanla Vanzant.
At 12 noon exactly, TV mogul Shonda Rhimes led Winfrey in her swearing-in as the new president. Placing her hand on a copy of Eat, Pray, Love, Winfrey recited the revised oath of office she had insisted on crafting herself.
“I, Oprah Gail Winfrey, do solemnly swear to lead the citizens of the US to their ‘aha! moment’ while living their best life,” Winfrey intoned.
A soulful rendition of Beyoncé’s hit Who Run The World (Girls) followed, with backing vocals provided by the cast of Empire. In lieu of the traditional 21-gun salute, Winfrey opted for the ceremonial lighting of 21 scented candles, ignited by Stedman with a small blowtorch with a limited carbon footprint.
In a 54-minute inaugural address punctuated by three commercial breaks, Winfrey assured her supporters that she would make good on her campaign promises.
“We will knock down the wall with Mexico built by ex-president Trump and use the bricks to construct a new city in Africa for my tribe, the proud Zulu nation,” Winfrey pledged.
“This is the dawn of a new era for America’s relationship with the brave foreigners who risk everything to get here. To honour their sacrifice, before their deportation each refugee will receive a gift basket containing some of my favourite things: a soft cashmere soap, Royal Jelly lip balm and handstitched Ugg boots.”
Winfrey stressed that Islamophobia would no longer be tolerated in the US. She promised the immediate mobilisation of Oprah’s Angel Network to combat Islamic State, “armed with only a positive attitude and the motivation to improve the lives of others”, she said.
She also spoke of the Muslim woman’s right to wear what she likes. “The choice of a woman to wear hijab must be upheld,” Winfrey said, paying tribute to the “generous cut” of the traditional Islamic garment. “I welcome a dress that I can grow into instead of out of.”
Not only would gay marriage be legalised in all 50 states, Winfrey said, but it would also be legally permissible for adults to marry “any being or entity which spiritually uplifts you should you find yourself single and lonely after the age of 40”.
Winfrey continued: “Marry your scatter cushions or marry your job. Marry your old copies of O Magazine if you must. And . . . you must!” Pointing to the crowd, Winfrey cried: “You get a marriage, you get a marriage, you get a marriage!”
Winfrey said she looked forward to tackling international relations with a softer approach to that of her predecessor. “Today I spoke with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un,” Winfrey announced. “I told him he needed to own his power. Just not nuclear power.”
Winfrey confirmed that future presidential appointments would include relationship guru Dr Phil as Secretary of State, celebrity financial adviser Suzie Orman as Treasury Secretary and Deepak Chopra as Secretary for Health.
Fears that the new president lacked in-depth knowledge of the US political system seemed to be confirmed when Winfrey pledged to replace the electoral college with “another elite academy for young girls right here in the USA!”
But the audience, composed largely of white middle-aged women, would not let anything dampen their enthusiasm on the day they had awaited for so long.
“What I know for sure,” Winfrey said, “is that all my life, I had to fight!” The crowd greeted her campaign slogan with roars of approval, while Winfrey concluded: “If all you US citizens look under your seats, you’ll find a voucher for universal healthcare to take home today!”
Look under your seats, you’ll find a voucher for universal healthcare to take home today!
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Disclaimer: We know Oprah was in Lifestyle last week, but she’s Oprah, for goodness’ sake!