THE BIG READ
Is love really all it’s cracked up to be?
Yes, you can be obsessed with your partner: studies have found that new love decreases the brain’s serotonin levels, much like in someone with OCD. “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford.
AFTER THE WEDDING COMES THE MARRIAGE
The “gists” (sociolo, anthropolo, biolo, et cetera) would have us believe that it is nature for humans to pair-bond. At some point we evolved the ability to become emotionally attached to each other. It had nothing to do with love or gazing into limpid eyes. It was how we survived. We could not compete with the strength and speed of the animal kingdom; we bonded into families instead. Together we could defend, invent, co-operate and keep each other warm. We survived.
Love had nothing to do with it.
Love had nothing to do with offspring being married off in ancient times, either, when one family needed the fields of the family next door and both would benefit from bigger harvests and more grain in the cellar. Marriages were an economic arrangement. You were lucky if your parents swiped right with their scythe and nabbed you a comely wench or a broad-shouldered bae along with the barley. The required coupling would be more bearable, at least. But love? None. Just duty.
Things began to change in the 19th century, when the world shifted from an agrarian economy to one dominated by industry and manufacturing. Survival was no longer tied to the land. People were free to travel to towns and cities to work, family connections became less important and as the ideas of the Enlightenment took root, notions of individualism and happiness bloomed.
And so the Age of Romance dawned. Epochally speaking, it was a New York minute from there to Celine Dion, red, red roses and that lacy, curly, heart-shaped piece of kitsch stuck on the fridge from last Valentine’s Day.
A couple of centuries ago the word “romantic” meant something like foolish or fanciful. The word originated, obviously, with the Romans, but actually referred to French poetry, stories and songs. Latin was reserved for serious stuff like politics and religion, while French was the language of love, quests and damsels in distress.
In the Age of Romance the new ideal was to marry for love, and the belief was that this blissful state would last, happily, ever after. We still fall for it, forgetting that after the wedding comes the marriage. We’ve forgotten that a marriage takes as much tending as a field of wheat. There are drudgery, setbacks, and storms to endure. We believe, foolishly, fancifully, that love will dissolve hardship and eradicate pain. We see it as a continuous state, instead of realising that “love” is a verb. It must be exercised and applied, like a plough to a field.
The modern myth of romantic love is pernicious. Many people are in love with love, not with each other. We should stand in love, not fall in love. Bonded, not possessed. Maybe then we can withstand the tsunami of dross heading our way on February 14. ● L S. Michele Magwood
PARENTAL GUIDANCE ADVISED
Relationships are going through a PR crisis. The way the modern dating game is set up, people are more interested in posting about relationship goals than they are in actually achieving them. We watch romantic comedies and believe in the happily-ever-after without seeing what that actually means. When confronted with the reality that humans are flawed and relationships are difficult in ways we had not expected, the modern lover starts looking for the exits.
But nothing worth having comes easy and goals by their nature require hard work to achieve. That is why of all the couples in the world, Gail and Kwanele Mkele (aka Mom and Dad) are my #relationshipgoals.
Legend has it that the pair met in 1985. By the end of
1986 they were married and the next year they gave birth to the miniature terrorist writing this. They would go on to have two more children, a couple of dogs and many a disagreement over the course of 31 years and counting.
During that time things have run the gamut from good to bad and adorable and back, but what hasn’t changed was a commitment to working together, building themselves and their family a better life and being quietly smitten with each other. It was never just for the kids. Sure, their kids meant the world to them, but they meant the world to each other.
My parents are not publicly hyper-affectionate. They blush when you mention their names and love in the same sentence. They don’t cuddle, nor do they hold hands. Their mutual fondness is most obvious in moments of absence. Prolonged separation from his wife makes my father taciturn and irritable; when she returns his demeanour does a 180. The prospect of a public event without her arm candy makes my mother nervous and jittery, not because of a lack of social skills, but because the duo have attended almost every party they’ve been invited to since the ’80s together. It is not unusual, even 30 years on, to find dad pottering in the garden looking for flowers to create a bouquet for his bae or for mother to unnecessarily dote on her man like a fussy hen.
As a couple they are an example that relationship goals are more than just grand gestures and a highlight reel of filtered pictures. Achieving a happily-ever-after goes deeper than an endless procession of giddy days.
Real relationship goals are about finding that lover who is just as much of a friend as they are a Romeo and building something beautiful over time. There will be days when it sucks and when you want to grumble under your breath, but no one said it would be easy, just that it would be worth it. ● L S. Yolisa Mkele