Let’s Talk About Sex

DR TLALENG MOFOKENG

answers your intimate questions My new girlfriend is very experimental. I am not into kinky stuff. How do we work it out?

Communicating with a new dating or sex partner is one of the most important and necessary experiences of any relationship.

Being clear about boundaries can help create safe and predictable terms of engagement. Texting, calling, emailing, sexting or messaging on social media with a new or old partner may evolve and often things can escalate quickly.

Set the rules

You need to determine, for example, what aspects of your relationship is okay to share online. Are you comfortable with them following your friends and family? What are the expectations for returning calls or texts? Are you comfortable with sharing sexual content over text or video and how will you agree on principles that suit you?

It is expected that boundaries will shift and change as the relationship progresses. This is not a bad thing. Communicate the shift honestly. Be aware of unhealthy dating behaviour, for example, demanding to share passwords, or reading your incoming text messages without permission, demanding of sexual content even beyond your comfort zone, demanding to know your whereabouts and checking up on your location etc.

It’s great to spend time with someone, but it is necessary to spend time apart. Both of you should be free to hang out with family and friends, and do things you want to do, without having to get permission to do so.

Comfort levels

Many people think negatively of setting boundaries. However, it is better to be clear from the beginning and also as you evolve about what your comfort levels are for certain situations or interactions and how you are going to deal with conflict.

Whether emotional, physical or sexual, all people need to know each other’s limits. Consent is not limited to sexual interactions only; one is never required to do anything physically or sexually one doesn’t want to. Listening and respecting one another’s choices is important and non-negotiable.

Dr Tlaleng Mofokeng (MBChB), sexual and reproductive health practice, Disa Clinic, safersex.co.za

E-mail your questions to lifestyle@sundaytimes.co.za with SEX TALK as the subject. Anonymity is assured.