HUMOUR

How bribe-able is Ndumiso Ngcobo?

As one half of Kaya FM’s drivetime show Uncaptured ,I broadcast from the 16th Nelson Mandela Annual Lecture on Tuesday afternoon. And by “broadcast” I mean we stayed completely silent and played the speeches live for two hours. In his speech, former US president Barack Obama said something that fascinated and startled me. He said one of the things that made Madiba great was that he walked away from power when he didn’t have to. Staying too long, he said, brings with it the danger of being corrupted by power.

Driving home I interrogated myself about who I think is beyond being corrupted. I started out by trying to think of an incorruptible individual at the Union Buildings and in our National Assembly. You never know, hey.

Of course, it did not help curb our collective cynicism when Honourable Minister Bathabile Dlamini told us: “All of us there in the NEC, eh . . . have our smallanyana skeletons and we don’t want . . . eh, to take out . . . eh, all skeletons because all hell will break loose!”

Ah! Such rare, refreshing candour! Bathabile for president! One who actually calls a spade a spade and not a “strategic agricultural device”. This ties in nicely with President Cyril Ramaphosa, who spoke for half an hour, using about 4 500 words to convey roughly 0.001 messages, rounded off to three decimal places.

However, I digress. This is not about Ramaphosa, future President Bathabile or any other politician. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together knows that graft, corruption and backdoor kickbacks were neither invented nor perfected by politicians. Politicians are but third-tier conduits in a much larger scheme.

The big ballers in the game wear Burberry suits, drive Rolls-Royces, sip 30-year-old scotch and puff on Gran Habano No.5 in smoke-filled cigar lounges not too far from Gwen Lane in Sandton.

If you’re desperate to know where I stand on all of this, I’ll oblige you.

My biggest gripe is that no one seems to think that I’m worthy of bribing. Each time I read the news I’m bombarded with a barrage of stories about graft. JSE, KPMG, VBS, NEC, PEC, REC, COGTA, IDC, PIC, Sassa — so many acronyms and not one person has winked at me, invited me to a “nostrings attached, I swear” getaway to wine country in Stellenbosch, got me inebriated and then told me to fetch a black refuse bag full of cash from a red Fiat Uno in the parking lot. What’s wrong with me, huh?

A couple of years ago I did find myself having dinner with a small-bit politician with an important portfolio in a small town. OK, I was just there with a friend of mine who lives in said small town and is friends with the politician. At some point, the politician’s PA rocked up carrying a brown paper bag. My curiosity was piqued. However, upon closer inspection I recognised the logo on the bag. McDonald’s. I think the politician was not satisfied with the organoleptic properties of the Thai prawn curry in front of him and had ordered a supersized McFeast Deluxe with extra fries. I must confess I was slightly disappointed.

But I’ll tell you the closest I think I’ve ever come to being bribed.

So I’m attending this gathering of really important persons. I know that they were important because they all arrived in more than two cars with blue lights. There was also more than just a smattering of the “I say, ole chap” types in Burberry suits. I’d been invited to the event by a friend of the host. So I naturally assumed that my friend was a connected conduit and I started rubbing my grubby hands together.

It is with great sadness that I report that the closest I came to any action was when I ran into one of our senior politicians in the ablution facility corridor. She licked her slightly parted lips daintily and winked at me in a “Come get all of this powerful bulk, big boy” way. I would have obliged but the last time I engaged in those sort of shenanigans I acquired rug burns that required bandages.

I guess this is my way of saying that I know what goes on in dark alleys. We all do. And there’s only one way to find out where one stands on the Bribe-worthiness Index. So come on. Make my day. As long as it’s more than five metres from the bathroom.

JSE, KPMG, VBS, NEC, PIC — so many acronyms and not one person has winked at me