THE UNSUBTLE ART OF NOT GIVING A TRUCK
Brenwin Naidu gets antisocial in a powerful piece of Americana
The idea for a book presents itself from behind the wheel of the Yank tank pictured here. Titled How to Waste Fuel and Intimidate People, it takes a page from the Dale Carnegie bestseller about being an influencer. He spotted the trend in 1936 already. Who is Dion Chang again?
We will have to flesh out the premise in more detail of course. But it is erring towards a step-by-step guide on being obnoxious. A snarky riposte to all those dreary truisms we see from self-styled motivational speakers on social media in 2018.
Obviously, it starts with having the right car. And the US of A is where you need to look, because it has suitably demonstrated its knack for building one-finger vehicular salutes to propriety.
Forget, for a second, the lean, green, responsible wares from our lauded expatriate Elon Musk and his Tesla.
America does brash and chintzy rather well — recalling finned fashions from the 1950s, the invention of the so-called “pony car” in the 1960s and, well, at least 10 notably flamboyant machines for each decade you could think of.
As a child, my model car shelf included scaled-down dreams in the form of the Chevrolet SSR, Plymouth Prowler and legendary Viper. The latter even inspired an eponymous television programme about a crime-fighting task force, which seemed entirely plausible to a seven-year-old me.
Still more plausible than ever getting a reply to my Kideo letters. Thanks for nothing Mr Chinwag.
It also starred alongside Tupac Shakur in his 1996 Toss It Up music video. Perhaps less inspiring was seeing presenter Paul Buckby get to drive one on SABC3’s shortlived The Motoring Show.
THEIR TOYOTA HILUX
The Dodge Ram is another fine poster vehicle for the excess and hubristic indifference we are talking about. As the bestselling pick-up in The Land of The StarSpangled Banner, it is basically their equivalent to our Toyota Hilux. But turned up to volume 15. The posterior of this truck seems bare without additions such as a big, shiny John Deere sticker.
And maybe some offensive taglines about how horrible almond milk tastes, something I have learned after being diagnosed lactose intolerant. A plague that does not discriminate in the merciless way it impairs us millennials.
So, it came to be that we were given an opportunity to enjoy a road test with such a rare beast. I attended the Nampo Harvest Day this year, for research purposes, and nosed around the Penta Motors stand where company representative Louis Botha approached me and asked: “Take one for a drive?”
I felt as if I was successfully conveying the strapping, selfassured character of a fellow with serious agricultural wealth and hectares of arable land. A stark contrast to the reality of a tiny Melville flat.
Then he bursts the bubble: “I know you, from Ignition TV.”
On some days (particularly payday); I would trade the hustle of motoring content production for livestock and wealth-spinning acres. But fortune has led me here, inside the cabin of a sizable novelty — as the thumbs-up and aimed smartphones from passers-by attest.
TINY VOLUMES
The Ram is not officially sold here by Dodge owners Fiat Chrysler Automobiles (FCA) because, as you know, it is not produced in right-hand drive. And the tiny volumes expected from such markets in the world do not seem to warrant research and development outlay to make a right-hand drive version.
US Trucks company in Richards Bay, KwaZulu-Natal, brings them in and executes their own conversion. The whole job is approved by the South African Bureau of Standards (SABS), we hear. Put it this way, if you have any reservations: you would probably prefer crashing one of these leftto-right swaps than an engineered-as-aright-hand-drive Datsun Go.
We are in the “smallest” 1500 Series
Ram, which renders the “waste fuel” part of my book title a bit of a misnomer. Because this one is equipped with the relatively frugal 2 987cc, turbocharged-diesel V6 that features in products such as the Jeep Grand Cherokee and even the Maserati Levante. Same family, remember. You can have a petrol V8 of course, or a stonking straightsix Cummins turbocharged-diesel with a 6 690cc displacement.
But the “intimidate people” part is firmly secured. Commandeering a Ram is as empowering as you would imagine. This thing is vast. And the way in which it extends certain deficiencies of a person is something to behold. This is not a budget buy. And the least expensive one would set you back upwards of R1.4-million. But the right-hand drive conversion and import cost adds a substantial chunk to things.
Still, there is a niche for such an indulgence, as shown by the hundreds that have found homes since US Trucks started doing its thing in 2006. Louis from the Penta Group distributor tells me that he sold two on the spot at Nampo alone. LS