Bob ready to hit the roof

Southern Africa’s most famous nonagenarian, Robert Mugabe, held a rare media briefing at his palatial “Blue Roof” estate on Sunday, just before the long-suffering people of Zimbabwe went to the polls. Much like his legendary non-resignation last year before he was deposed, it was not quite clear what the point of the two-hour briefing was. He also appeared to have trouble staying awake. Uncle Bob seemed peeved that he has not yet been paid his pension, a measly $467‚000 (R6.2m), and is irked that the roof of his mansion is “sagging” and might cave in.

Propped up on cushions and prompted by his wife, Grace (minus her extension cord), Bob said he could not vote for his “tormentors” and favoured opposition leader Nelson Chamisa. Based on the results, it is unlikely the new government will be fixing his roof. Hogarth pledges that if Uncle Bob is still standing in two years, he will go to Harare himself to hammer in some nails.