HOGARTH

WRITE TO HOGARTH@SUNDAYTIMES.CO.ZA

Fake it to the left, fake it to the right

Remember Mbaweezy? The former minister of police is now employed at Luthuli House as the main guy who hands out pamphlets and T-shirts at taxi ranks. Not only is he a lover of nice things, he is also an expert when it comes to spotting a fake whisky without tasting it. This week he told spaza shop owners not to sell a Johnnie Walker bottle with the logo’s Johnnie striding towards the left.

“I don’t know where you buy this stuff, but they are very cheap . . . it’s not fong kong it’s fong yong. If you sell Johnnie Walker Black you find sometimes Johnnie Walker is not going this direction [points right], he’s going that direction [points left]. We don’t want that, counterfeit goods, illegal goods, illegal spaza shops must be closed down, and we will close them down in terms of the law.”

With Razzmatazz at the helm, this is bound to be one drunken election campaign.

Defender of the glass not filled

The EFF’s communication commissar has too much time on his hands. During some down time in Braamfontein, the good doctor chose to become a keyboard warrior rather than twiddle his thumbs. Having read the front page of sister publication Sowetan about rapper Cassper Nyovest claiming that he owns #fillup, Mbuyiseni Ndlozi sprang into action and wrote a whole eightparagraph statement of nonsense. “Each day shops and beer halls use the words fill up, in relation to water, coffee, tea, or any other beverage. Imagine that they now have to pay Phoolo before they call on customers to come for a fill up,” read part of his missive. It sounded like bullets from that “toy gun” fired by the commander of the toy army.

Chief diplomat had a lot to learn

Adaily rag best known for witchcraft and tokoloshe horror stories reports that rural development & land reform minister Maite Nkoana-Mashabane graduated with a master’s degree in diplomatic studies from the University of Pretoria on Wednesday. To which a witty friend of Hogarth’s remarked that she’s “filling the hole in her head”. But wait … diplomatic studies? The minister probably didn’t think she would ever be reshuffled from the sexy foreign affairs portfolio when she enrolled.

Too much for the scales of the justice

Many people seem to be confused by the Guptas and have problems telling one from the other. ANC MP Vytjie Mentor said she devised a method to tell them apart through differences in obesity — which might be a problematic ID method in a police lineup. But it seems that a certain member of the Zuma family has spent so much time with them that he could now be the fourth brother. Deputy chief justice Raymond Zondo mistakenly referred to Zuma jnr as “Duduzane Gupta” and did not even realise it until the legal and media benches burst out laughing. The judge can always resort to “Zuptas” in future. The commander-in-chief of the Red Onesies might be pleased he has some relevance if the term he coined is used.

Skaaing, skipping and Skyping

The Gupta brothers and their advocate, Mike Hellens SC, thought they had an offer Zondo simply wouldn’t be able to refuse. Hellens told Zondo his clients really wanted to testify at his commission but could not because of the “reckless incompetence” of the Hawks and National Prosecuting Authority. This is apparently a nice way of saying they will be instantly arrested. So Hellens proposed that the Guptas give evidence via video link. Considering how much the Guptas would need to answer to, Hogarth hopes that the #DataMustFall campaign bears fruit soon. If the brothers are to testify via Skype, they could leave the country’s coffers even more barren than they already have.

Dooby, dooby, dooby … Dubai

Zondo seemed quite baffled how the commission “caravan” would travel up and down to Dubai if he had to go there to hear the Guptas every time they were implicated in testimony. Evidence leader Vincent Maleka SC also cautioned the judge that South Africans might not be too happy having to cough up more money for Dubai soirees. But Hellens claimed only one person need go, not the entire commission. Hogarth would like to volunteer his services to the commission and is even willing to try out the massage services at the Oberoi Hotel where the Guptas treated their captured guests.