HOGARTH

Summit finds him on top of his game

McBuffalo really does love summits. Some days he even addresses more than one. But the pinnacle of his year of summits was last week’s presidential investment conference, at which the Buffalo Soldier was the toast of not just white but multicoloured monopoly capital.

At the end of the summit, McBuffalo perched on stage while business leaders queued up in front of him to announce their investment pledges. It resembled a medieval kingdom in which villagers presented the monarch with vegetables from their gardens and chickens from their coops. Considering how eager everyone was to schmooze with Cupcake, Hogarth would not have been surprised to see a CEO walk up to the stage with a couple of the president’s favoured Ankole cows in tow.

Across a crowded room …

But nothing, not even R290bn in investment, could please McBuffalo more than the arrival of his BFF, Chinese tech tycoon Jack Ma, left. The president related their first encounter in Davos, Switzerland, in January. He said Ma was being followed by a mob of people and he had to move out of the way when their eyes met in the crowd. With enough chemistry between them to melt snow, King Cyril invited the Alibaba founder to a meeting. Ma told how the bromance was sealed: “In five minutes I fell in love with the guy.” Donald Trump might have The Art of the Deal, but our Cupcake knows how to make moguls fall in love.

Is there … is there someone else?

Although “RamaJack” might look like the hottest hook-up since Meghan and Harry, it turns out Jack is cheating on us. The tycoon turned up in Kigali this week and had Rwandan President Paul Kagame swooning, too. “I’m amazed by President Kagame’s leadership, courage and vision. Every time I speak to him, we talk about technology, jobs, environment, and I am always so impressed. He makes things happen,” said Ma.

Then Kagame said: “What was important for me and impressive was when I met [Jack Ma] for the first time and we talked … when I requested him to come to Rwanda, together we find what we can do to improve the lives of Rwandans … I didn’t see any doubt on Jack’s face.”

Eish. These moguls ain’t loyal.

Reduced to chickenfeed

Remember Bongani Bongo? The Nkandla Crooner’s personal bodyguard who moonlighted as our spy minister? In his short stint in the cabinet, Bongo hogged headlines for living it up at the pricey Taj Hotel in Cape Town. Well, those days are over. Quizzed by a weekly about the bribe he allegedly offered parliament’s ex legal eagle advocate Nthuthuzelo Vanara, Bongo let rip: “I see now they have thanked [Vanara] with a big job at the SABC. He’s up and I’m down and out.”

He’s clearly missing room service at the Taj. Hogarth’s men in Platostad spotted him tucking into a KFC burger at a cramped outlet down Plein Street.

Internal party matter

This is no April Fool’s joke. The ANC on Friday led a march on their president. The bright sparks at Walter Sisulu House, the ANC’s Gauteng headquarters, were complaining about the “poor state of the public transport system, regular fuel hikes, VAT increases, cost of data and e-tolls”. The march was aimed “at finding solutions on various concerns that have a bearing on the daily cost of the living experiences of the masses of our people, especially the poor”. Why should we vote for you again?

Relationship status changed

The DA circus in Platostad continued this week. Auntie Patty finally threw in the towel. And she did it in grand fashion on the steps of the high court, surrounded by a handful of supporters. “I’m no longer in this abusive relationship. When people abuse you, you must walk away. I’m free, Amandla!” the tannie shouted as she punched the air. Someone called it her long walk to freedom, but let’s not get carried away.