Comedians play Santa to the VIPs
It may not be what they want, but it’s what they deserve
What Christmas present would you choose for an ex-president at the end of an annus horribilis in which he lost his job, appeared in court on a slew of criminal charges and faced a crippling — and mounting — legal bill?
If you are a razor-tongued puppet and political analyst such as Chester Missing, you would put a team of lawyers under Jacob Zuma’s Christmas tree this year.
“I would give Zuma lawyers, buckets and buckets of lawyers,” said Missing. “Like a full supply of legal aid. Dali Mpofu levels of lawyers.”
Comedian Khanyisa Bunu said: “I would give him a shower cap, knowing how much he loves showers. It also seems that it never rains but pours for our former president. That shower cap would be of great help both at home and in court.”
Apart from losing the presidential jet and his status as “No 1”, Zuma had arms deal-related criminal charges reinstated against him, the courts ruled that legal costs for his attempt to prevent the release of former public protector Thuli Madonsela’s “State of Capture” report should come out of his pocket, and 10 days ago his bill grew exponentially when the high court in Pretoria said he would have to refund the state for all the legal bills incurred in his “Stalingrad” strategy to avoid his day in court on corruption charges.
Zuma is not the only political leader worthy of a Christmas present in line with his indiscretions, real or alleged, and Missing said President Cyril Ramaphosa should hope for “a present from Bosasa, which he can pretend he didn’t know about and then give it back”.
Bunu suggested a red and white keffiyeh for the president. The Arab headdress “would do a great deal in convincing the Arabs to assist us with energy … or else we are doomed to permanent load-shedding”.
Comedian Barry Varkel saw things differently. “The Christmas gift I would bestow upon Ramaphosa is a personality,” he said. “However, personalities are in very short supply and there are no living donors. You can’t even trade your entire mining share portfolio for a personality.”
All Deputy President David Mabuza deserves this festive season is a satisfactory excuse for his trips to Russia, said Missing. “His current ones are all transparent and broken.”
EFF politicians are said to have benefited so richly from the collapsed VBS Mutual Bank that the main thing they need is financial advice, said Bunu. Floyd Shivambu, the party’s second-in-command, deserved a “Swiss account. I will assist him in opening one; he might need one,” she said.
Missing said EFF president Julius Malema “doesn’t get presents. His cousin does, and he puts them in a trust that Julius runs.”
Recalling footage of Shivambu roughing up a photographer at parliament after alighting from a monstrous black Mercedes-Benz this year, Missing suggested “a journalistshaped punching bag” as his gift.
Varkel said: “The gift I bestow upon Shivambu is a chronic medication script to take care of his unique condition called ‘I-lie-Iget-fatter’.”
As if allegations that he enabled state capture were not enough, a video of former home affairs minister Malusi Gigaba performing a sexual act on himself emerged this year, shortly before he vacated his cabinet post and parliament. Missing’s suggested present for Gigaba is simply “Vaseline”.
The limelight might no longer be shining on former police minister Fikile “Razzmatazz” Mbalula, but he got an early Christmas present this year — Beyoncé.
In 2012, allegations emerged that thethen sports minister intended to engage the American star as a headline act at the South African Sports Awards, at a reputed cost of R17m.
Mbalula denied it, but Beyoncé is forever linked with him in the national consciousness, and she was the star turn at last month’s Mandela 100 Global Citizen concert in Johannesburg.
“Mbalula gets nothing. He had an early Christmas present, Beyoncé was in the building,” said Bunu.
Varkel suggested school as a gift for DA chief whip John Steenhuisen, who was embroiled in a row last month over his lack of a university degree.
“The Christmas gift I bestow upon John Steenhuisen is a voucher for a full free year of grade 7 Bantu education.”
Bunu suggested a trip to the Apartheid Museum as a present for DA leader Mmusi Maimane, “so that he can have a better understanding of the history of our country”.
It would be unfair to deny one of SA’s prominent struggle stalwarts, Patricia de Lille — the former Cape Town mayor — a present. Instead of going straight into retirement after her skirmishes with the DA, De Lille wants to save SA from itself. So she launched a new party, Good.
Varkel’s present for De Lille is luminous. “It is a Day-Glo health & safety vest, so that she is no longer invisible.”