Like it? Want it? Put a ring on it
Now you can forego the swiping humiliation and just wear your ready to mingle status on your finger, writes Asapasia Karras
The dating protocol of tech bro billionaire Bryan Johnson is something to behold. He recently posted his expectations on first dates on the platform formerly known as Twitter. Zero (his handle) said on X that “Expectations r important. What I share on first dates: 1: 11am dinner; 2: 8:30pm (sleep emoji); 3: no pillow talk;
4: u sleep alone; 5: no small talk, rly don’t care; 6: no sunny vacations; 7: scheduled sex; 8: veggie daddy; 9: must give plasma;
10: ur not my #1 priority. Unsure why I’m single (bemused emoji).”
My concern with this list is that he has an irritating tendency to compress “you” into “u” and “are” into “r”. That sort of thing is a deal-breaker for me. In case you were wondering how to set up a high-minded debate followed by an afternoon booty call with Bryan “Lothario” Johnson, he’s the chap trying to live forever with a battalion of doctors and technologists on call every day, monitoring his every vital statistic and those that are less vital and more eliminatory, to bypass mortality. He’s living his so-called life algorithmically and, frankly, it sounds like a blast.
I adore broccoli and he has it every morning at about 6am in a little purée followed by a chia seed compote. He’s also foregone all alcohol or other stimulants which may explain his intolerance for small talk on or off the pillow. I’m sure he’s a barrel of fun, despite his waxy visage, his peculiar dress sense (cyborg dreams circa 1982) and his rigidly enforced Lifestyle with a capital L.
I can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t sign up for life with this punter.
People are desperate for connection out there (even “Cyborg” in his own manner). At least, that’s what Barry Diller built his empire on — the one mining the romantic and hookup dreams of a generation — the owner of Match Group, which owns practically all the dating apps: Tinder, Match, Bumble, etc.
Barry is, however, experiencing a little performance anxiety of his own. Shares have been on a flaccid trajectory for a while, and Bumble took a huge 51% knock year on year. Tinder is losing users hand over fist and Hinge crashed earlier this year, ironically on International Woman’s Day. It exploded in a little pile of broken hearts and long-lost dreams — people actually celebrated (just not the people using it to post pictures of furniture they wanted to sell rather than to connect with a prospective lover).
It’s hard enough putting yourself out there in the first place but the gamification of dating culture has taken an even more souldestroying, heart-wrenching turn. People have started screen-grabbing their chats with prospective sweethearts on the dating apps for social clout and laughs. These people screen-grab the stuff of your romantic dreams and turn it into the biggest nightmare on Tiktok, Reddit and X. This shit goes viral, often backfiring on the initial poster who demonstrated their readiness for long-term love by posting in the first place.
I mean, obviously you’d want to take the measure of your date by exposing their hapless attempts at flirtation to a wide swathe of the public so that they can all pull in and register feelings for — or against — the opening salvos in these non-starter relationships. This is how Love Island culture takes hold on the addled psyches of love seekers everywhere. I would take ghosting and spider-webbing* (the new, new ghosting) over this social drama any time.
And all this is yours if you manage to get past the swipes on the strength of the six outdated pics of your best side and your potted bio — if, that is, you’re meeting actual real people on the apps and not a swindler running multiple fake profiles (or an algorithmically challenged bot).
Can you be sure that it’s an actual dick pic you’re looking at or is it an AI-generated simulacrum of the genitals in question?
Is it any wonder that in addition to the angry Incels (prize men who are involuntary celibates and very angry about it), there is now a movement of femcels (ladies who selfidentify as celibate because they want to do a little self care)? And what about the fact that 90% of Gen X is genuinely disinterested in these apps as a route to love?
I’d like to add that some people have met with success on the apps. There’s always someone who gets lucky, like one of my hairdressers (I confess, I’m polyamorous on the hair front). She met the love of her life on an app and is playing happy families with intentions of continuity.
For everyone else who’s still out there looking for bliss or even just a coffee date with an actual person, there is hope. It comes in the form of a green ring from a company called Pear Ring (see what they did there?).
You put the pale green, silicone ring on your finger and go out into the world semaphoring to those in the know that you’re single and ready to mingle. You’re open for business. You’re willing to lay it out and take your chances. You’d like to agree with Shakespeare that a marriage of true minds admits no impediments. You like piña coladas. You are, in short, seeking a date. If you want it — put a green ring on it.
* The latest dating trend known as “spiderwebbing” has surfaced and sees manipulators spinning a web around their victims to trap them in an unstable and toxic relationship.