Men who prefer porn to the real thing

As the internet makes porn easily accessible, more and more people — mainly men — are allowing it to dominate their sex lives

‘If I had to choose to have one or the other for the rest of my life, I would choose porn over real sex any day.” Those are the words of a self-confessed “pornosexual” — a person whose sexual orientation is linked solely to pornography and who has more meaningful relationships with what he sees on his phone or tablet than he does with other human beings. Most pornosexuals are young men.

Johannesburg clinical psychologist Bruce Laing said he was seeing these sorts of relationships more frequently. “It starts off at a young age, when parents put children in front of a TV because they are busy. As a child, the screen is wonderful, it becomes something they can relate to. This graduates to a smartphone, or a tablet. Before you know it there are addictions to WhatsApp groups, Snapchat, and ultimately, they will have access to pornography,” he said.

No Wi-Fi after dark

“I sit with parents on a weekly basis who ask how to take their kids away from screens. Simple answer: turn off the Wi-Fi after dark. It is affecting adolescents the most.”

Laing believes that screens have moved on from being a mode of communication to creating a level of intimacy through “interaction” with pornography.

“Most often these men and boys find they can’t have a relationship with a person. The way porn is created is that you are immersed in it. One imagines one is engaged with the screen. It is also creating a huge chasm with people in relationships and how consumers of porn relate to their partners.”

Sexologist Dr Tlaleng Mofokeng said people who chose porn as a form of sexual orientation should not necessarily be classified as abnormal.

“There is a lot of judgment, even in medicine, around the morals and values around porn,” she said. “My take is that if it is not hurting anyone, then go ahead. But the worry is that it could be a way to mask other issues, like avoidance of relationships. If there is any anxiety around dating and sustaining reallife experiences like relationships and falling in love, it is best to sort out those issues, rather than abandoning intimacy with others.”

Mofokeng said that if a preference for porn was affecting a person’s quality of life, “then it should be assessed”.

In an article published in the UK, Ann Olivarius, a lawyer representing women who have been victims of sexual harassment, violence and revenge porn, wrote how the mother of an eight-yearold girl sought her help when her daughter complained that her 14year-old cousin sometimes did things to her that she did not like.

Something new on his phone

When the mother asked the girl if her cousin always did the same things, she replied: “Sometimes, but if he sees something new on his phone, it changes.”

While pornography is considered acceptable and even enjoyable in consensual relationships, the negative associations are serious. Olivarius said sexual offenders were almost always habitual porn users, and porn was a factor in some divorces because “real sex and intimacy disappear as the man seeks an impossible standard that frustrates both partners”.

And, she wrote: “There can also be no doubt that the porn industry has given impetus to the crime of revenge porn, where people find their private and explicit images posted online, often by a former partner.”

Olivarius cited the case of a university student who asked her if he had grounds to take legal action against the porn industry because of the way porn had affected him.

“He could not get an erection with his girlfriend, while he always became aroused when watching porn,” she said. “His girlfriend didn’t want — or enjoy — porn-style sex, and neither did other women he had previously had relationships with. He told me the sex he did have with his girlfriend was nothing like the porn he had been ‘trained’ on and that he felt stuck, unable to enjoy a real physical relationship and frustrated that porn still had a powerful grip on him.”

Poor self-confidence

While some may identify pornosexuality as a legitimate lifestyle choice, Johannesburg psychologist Liesl Vogt said it did not make a good fit with humans’ innate social nature.

“The choice of porn over people . . . may indicate poor selfconfidence, issues of control and choosing self-centredness rather than ever having to compromise with another’s wishes or needs. It may be a form of laziness in avoiding the work and effort required by a relationship and achieving a space that is fulfilling instant versus delayed gratification,” she said.

Vogt said consenting adults who chose to indulge in porn should be able to differentiate between their fantasy world and reality.

“For children and adolescents this is not the case and premature exposure of any sort to pornographic or sexual content is disruptive of normal development,” she said.

“We know that children are curious, but they should be protected from their own curiosity. For insecure children, shy to ask questions, the internet is the place they turn for answers. Unless browsers on all electronic devices are carefully monitored, children are at risk for seeing what they shouldn’t, and for receiving an example of sex that is unhealthy.”

Unrealistic expectations

The risk was that this early exposure in childhood would lead to people developing “unrealistic expectations of others or future partners, and of themselves”, Vogt said.

“Many young men with insecurities about their appearance, their feelings about the kind of person they are, or how they even have to look sexually, have based unrealistic ideas on pornography.

“Men are more likely to turn to porn than women, because male sexuality is primarily scopophilic, in other words, attracted sexually by visual stimuli, whereas women are more attracted by romantic gestures. Women are also less concerned with the physical appearance of a partner. The majority of porn therefore does cater to men.”

Vogt said there was a lack of reliable statistics in South Africa around the use of porn by young people. “However, given that the majority of school-going children own a cellphone with active browsers and data, chances are the stats are similar to other electronically developed countries or higher.”

Social media had also changed the game, said Mofokeng. “Only when it has been well researched will we get the necessary academic light to understand it. We are at a stage where people are watching porn at work. Where do we draw the line?”

Girls with body issues

Laing said anecdotal evidence showed the effects of young adults getting their sexual education only from porn. “It is more prevalent in young men, but I see girls with body issues who will say they are not being good enough. I often hear: ‘My boyfriend wants me to look like this porn star and I will never look like that.’ And then they develop anxiety and eating disorders. The screen becomes the third person in the room.”

Online porn is far easier to access than pornography magazines and videotapes used to be. “This is the dark side of the internet, with its endless availability, and that children are accessing it.”

Mofokeng said the depiction of violence in pornography was a major problem. “If young people are watching only this as sexual education . . . it can form a basis for unhealthy relationships and [unhealthy ideas] of what normal sex is. Often a male will pressurise a female to try something that she has no awareness of, and creating that pressure in real life is problematic. We know this happens in adult relationships.”

Laing said it was essential to address issues of masculinity and the male role at school level.

“Ethnically, societally, men are supposed to act and behave in a certain way. I think it’s time to change it. What does it mean to be a man? Is a man meant to debase a woman?

“In the early years, how sexual identity comes into being should not be centred around the shame, rage and guilt,” he said.

“Pornography is about debasement; very few women are depicted as victors and warriors . . . The woman is a commodity. Ultimately it is about exerting power over women.

“We don’t go back to intimacy and love, how to love, we fear getting close. If our love objects are on a screen, how do we develop relationships?” asked Laing. —