Tactless social media posting

I DOUBT there is a guide to Facebook etiquette. People just do whatever they want to do, with Penny Sparrow still the benchmark for what not to do.

I’ve also had my fair share of learning the hard way that social media is not the place for loose chatter.

Actually it’s hardly the place for any chatter anymore, as it doesn’t really matter what opinion you put out there, there’s a whole world of trolls and idiots sitting behind their keyboards, waiting to pounce on any unsuspecting stray words that they think need dealing with, or getting involved in stuff that doesn’t concern them.

A little under a month ago, I lost a friend in tragic circumstances. It happened suddenly and it has been very traumatic for everyone in the small community where I live on the North Coast. And then. Facebook. Within just a few hours of finding out that we had lost our friend, people started to post messages online. “So sad to hear of the tragic loss…”, “Can’t believe my friend is gone…”, “Thanks for all the special memories…” etc., and all the time tagging the friend who had passed away and posting pics of themselves with them.

Now, while the sentiment comes from a good place, and from grief, it’s the timing I have a serious problem with.

What about my friend’s family? What about her cousins, sisters, nephews, aunts – whoever – that perhaps live on the other side of the world and have not yet been informed of the passing of their loved one? Why do you think it’s OK to go online within a matter of hours and declare to the world that your friend has died?

There must be some sort of etiquette about dealing with death on the internet. Surely, wait at least a couple of days. Let the family deal with their loss, nobody wants to go straight online and read all these sad messages within hours.

Imagine if something was to suddenly happen to me. I’m in the public eye, I’m on the radio, I have quite a big Facebook following. Would you go straight to Facebook and start posting stuff about me, how you’ll miss me (or not!) or whatever? Or would you give my family enough time to contact the many brothers, nephews, nieces and cousins I have around the world?

Keep your sentiments to yourself for a couple of days. Respect the family and just let them be.

I think the right time for you to go online is when a family member or very close friend has announced something online. Give them the choice as to when to go public. It’s not your decision to make.

I haven’t enough space in this column to deal with my utter disregard for the people who post pictures of gruesome accident scenes and bodies online.

I remember a case in the UK a few years ago when I was there. Somebody saw an horrific accident in front of them and then posted gruesome blood-stained photos online. A woman saw the pictures and recognised the number-plate as that of her husband’s car. And he had their children with him. Words fail me.

Many years ago I lost another friend who died of a heart attack in the early morning. His wife was obviously a crumbling emotional wreck, distraught, heart-broken, unable to string a sentence together. His young children were beyond devastated.

As we left the hospital I held on to my friend’s and his wife’s phone. And then the messages, Whatsapps and calls started, almost instantly. I spent days with the family at the home, dealing with the loss in whatever way we could.

I would estimate around 100-200 messages a day started coming in.

The family didn’t know whether it was day or night, or what day of the week it was. But they were being bombarded by messages constantly, by a lot of people they hadn’t even seen in years.

Now, I understand grief. I also understand that a lot of us don’t quite know how to respond or deal with it, but ask yourself, are you a really, really close friend of the family? If not, then for f*** sake leave them alone for a couple of days at least. Nobody cares that you can bring some spaghetti or for your “If there’s anything I can do…” messages, especially on day one.

If your friend from school, who you haven’t seen in 10 years, passes away, I doubt very much it’s absolutely necessary that you either go on Facebook immediately or call the family to offer your condolences.

Sure, there are different circumstances. But for the most part it is family and very close friends that rally together in times of need. Your condolences and messages of support will be far better received if they come in over time, once the family has had some time to grieve.