How to accept the things we can’t change

There is a prayer that goes: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

This prayer is often linked with AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and is repeated regularly in meetings. It’ sa mantra for living day to day with uncertainty, never knowing if today might be the day you have a relapse. It’s a mentality that cancer survivors and those with chronic illnesses have also learnt to adopt.

Lessons learned through the Covid-19 pandemic, the chaos we are in with load-shedding and the poor economy as it is, tell us a very helpful story.

People, in general, want predictable environments. But the environment is not predictable. In fact, it is quite the opposite: for example, right now, we may have a health condition that will completely change our lives and not know it.

That’s not an encouragement to worry: there is a part of all of us that thinks if we worry enough, we will find the answers to our problems.

Radical acceptance means fully accepting our reality and letting go of the bitterness. It means realising that fighting what is already happening just leads to more pain.

Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you need to be okay with a situation that you’re struggling with or that is bad for you.

Rather, to radically accept a past or present situation means to come to terms with the aspects of it we cannot change.

When we are anxious, our minds tend to wander. We become concerned about the future, the “what if”.

But we need to accept the things that are true now even if we plan to change them.

First, we accept things as they are, and then we change things to make them better.

Both acceptance and change can be true at the same time.

A good start is to be in the present moment. This is known as “mindfulness”.

Here are some mindfulness techniques to still wandering thoughts:

Notice when a thought has you “hooked” and instead of getting caught in it, work to let go and come back to the present moment;

Do some grounding exercises using your five senses: focus in turn, on what you can see, hear, feel, taste and smell;

Focus on your breathing; In your self-talk, focus on phrases that emphasise acceptance. Examples are: “It is what it is”; “It happens”; and “We can’t change it, we just have to get through it”.

In your self-talk, avoid phrases that emphasise nonacceptance.

Examples are: “This never would have happened if...” or “I can’t believe this is happening”.

Non-acceptance of a situation adds to pain and causes suffering.

In summary, it is critically important to first understand what is and what isn’t in our control.

The next step is to learn to control what we can and let go of the rest. 0800-567-567 (24 hours), or