Wipe up the mess we’re in

Jennie Ridyard

This is a story about toilet paper, and saving the world… When I was a teenager, I was marked forever by a story my grandmother told me. She had been staying with my aunt when said aunt lost her temper over two unknowable things.

Thing one: the way my grandmother hung towels on the bathroom rail.

The correct way is with the seams facing the wall, because you wouldn’t put your clothes on with the hem facing outwards, would you? Not that it matters.

Thing two: the way my grandmother replaced the toilet roll.

I’d never considered this before and yet – yes! – it makes sense both aesthetically and hygienically that the flap should be away from the wall.

My grandmother was stung but my young eyes were opened, and never since have I hung a toilet roll the wrong way round.

Thank you, Aunty Rita! I unfailingly think of her every time I replace toilet paper, which would probably surprise her.

More worryingly, whenever I find a loo roll hanging back to front, I quietly flip it around, while laughing at myself through gritted teeth.

I hope I’ll never tell anyone off about it, though, because ultimately the way it hangs isn’t the issue. What matters is that whoever finished the last roll was considerate enough to replace it so that nobody was caught short; what matters is that there’s toilet paper to do the job.

This works, of course, as a metaphor …

The planet’s looking a bit messy at the moment, and by the end of this week a bona fide crazy person will be running the most powerful country in the world. (According to Oxford University, Donald Trump ticks more boxes on the psychopath scale than even Hitler did – though less than Idi Amin, which is good to know, if not exactly comforting.)

Yet the saddest thing is happening among the good folk who are opposed to his manifesto and rhetoric – the blatant lies, jingoism, false promises, overt racism, attitude towards women – for they (we!) are now squabbling with each other over minutiae such as tone and inclusivity and language policing.

Meanwhile, a shitstorm is forecast.

We need all hands on deck for the cleanup, so let’s stop arguing about how the toilet paper hangs and focus on wiping up the mess.