Join the mule-high club

None of us spoke Spanish and the Cubana flight attendant’s English was non-existent, so we had trouble making ourselves understood. As we sat in the seats in the Soviet-era Ilyushin IL-62 plane, our knees were scrunched up against the seats in front.

Some mistake, surely, we tried to tell the hostess. We were booked to fly business class back from Havana to Rio de Janeiro and you dumped us in economy. When she finally understood us, she shook her head vigorously: No! No! No! This IS business class!

Heaven only knows what it would have been like for the people in Economy. Mind you, I suppose the Cubans would have regarded anything like a flying aircraft as a luxury, so ravaged had their country been by the international socialism of Fidel Castro and the subsequent abandonment of Havana by Moscow after the collapse of Communism.

That nine-hour flight would have been a lot more uncomfortable without the in-flight booze: huge slugs of Havana Club white rum, accompanied by Cuba’s fake Coca-Cola and chunks of ice which looked as though they had been hacked off the side of an iceberg.

I was reminded of that experience recently, reading a press release from Airbus, which was all about making its massive A380 superjumbo more efficient and more of a profit generator. Apart from improving fuel efficiency (the A380 is already the most efficient passenger plane in the sky in terms of fuel burned per passenger), the other way you squeeze more money out of a $400-million asset is by squeezing in more passengers.

The clever solution from Airbus is great for airline operators, but a nightmare for those of us in the “back of the bus” in economy class. The new A380 will feature a 3-5-3 seat layout in economy. This is not a football team formation, but a recipe for even more flying torture on long-distance routes.

There will be three seats on one side, five in the middle and three on the other side. The fiveseat middle configuration is new. But just imagine being anywhere in that layout: getting out from the middle will mean inconveniencing two other people, as opposed to one in the four seat middle layout. If you have the aisle seat there, you will have two people clambering over you all night to get to the loo.

Most high-capacity jets these days – the Boeing 787 Dreamliner, Boeing 777, Boeing 747 and Airbus A380 and A350 – run a 3-4-3 or 3-3-3 configuration. That’s hell if you’re travelling as a couple and would like a little privacy. In that case, find yourself an airline which operates the older Airbus A340 or newer A330 types, which run 2-4-2 layouts. (SAA does, by the way ...)

On the other hand, a lot of airlines are starting to charge extra to allow you to sit next to your nearest and dearest. I’ve seen families booked all over the place and the only solution is to pay extra for preferential seating.

If you needed any further confirmation that the airline industry really does treat passengers like cattle, along comes a report that some airlines are considering packing in more people on shorter flights by making them stand.

Presumably, they’ll include a handrail so you don’t fall over as you drown your sorrows with Havana Club ...

The airline industry really does treat passengers like cattle.