The ‘softer’ side of some of our sports heroes

Dear Cristiano

Congratulations on the birth of your twins. It is one of those events that changes your life forever. I am the proud father of three gorgeous girls and I have definitely become less brusque and more understanding with the arrival of each new child.

I was chatting to my better half about the birth of your twins, a boy and a girl, and the fact that you are already father to a son. I commented in the same conversation that I believed fatherhood made one “softer”.

“Softer? Softer?” exclaimed my better half. “If Ronaldo was any softer he would be a marshmallow.

“Have you seen the way he rolls around in apparent agony when a player from the opposing team comes near him? I once saw him go down like he’d been punched by Mike Tyson and the television replays proved he hadn’t been touched.

“I thought you needed balls to father children. And I’m not sure if Ronaldo has any.”

Which made me wonder if Mrs Balls of chutney fame has any offspring. But that is beside the point.

Guy Hawthorne

My better half, as you will have gathered, is not a football fan and I’m afraid you are largely to blame for that.

Apart from vague interest during the 2010 Fifa World Cup – and mainly because we were the hosts and she is a patriotic South African who wanted to shout for Bafana Bafana – she doesn’t watch much football. Rugby is her game of choice. And although you used to play for Manchester United (and, if rumours prove to be true, may be returning to Old Trafford soon), I defended you like you were Alexis Sanchez.

I waxed lyrical about your sublime skill, your phenomenal goalscoring record and how you made the game look ridiculously easy.

“I know he used to play for them,” I said, “and he might be going back there, but he’s one of the finest players in the game.

“As much as I agree he is a bit ‘soft’, I wouldn’t mind seeing him in a Gunners’ shirt in the coming season.”

She gave me that familiar look of disdain.

“Speaking of fine players, Elton Jantjies fits the bill,” she said about her favourite rugby player at the moment. “He rarely misses a kick, he scores tries and he tackles like a demon. And I’ve yet to see him rolling around like he’s been poleaxed with a pick handle.”

This week I became the proud owner of the new Puma Arsenal shirt for the 2017/18 season. It is so cool I was considering getting a ladies’ one for my better half.

But, thanks to you, it seems I’ll have to bin that idea.