From Spring­boks to Smurfs with­out an oath

The Citizen (Gauteng) - - SPORT - Jaco van der Merwe @ja­co­van­derm

Blessed with the lux­ury of a sec­ond tele­vi­sion in my house­hold, I gave up on the of­fer to watch the new Smurfs movie with my two lit­tle princesses on Satur­day, opt­ing to watch the Spring­boks in iso­la­tion know­ing that the two sets of in­no­cent lit­tle ears would at least be safe from the usual pro­fan­i­ties that ac­com­pany my rugby view­ing in th­ese test­ing times.

But it turns out no walls are thick enough to lock out my ver­bal out­bursts war­ranted by such a dis­mal per­for­mance. I wish I could say it left me speech­less, but un­for­tu­nately if was just too bad for this trap to be kept shut.

As I sat there curs­ing El­ton Jan­tjies for not find­ing touch, Lood de Jager for his ter­ri­ble workrate, makeshift No 8 Fran­cois Louw for not be­ing able to con­trol a ball at the back of a scrum the Boks were ac­tu­ally win­ning, Siya Kolisi think­ing he is as gifted as Sonny Bill Wil­liams by not hav­ing to look to whom he passes the ball to, Ross Cronje lift­ing the ball up to the sky every time he is go­ing to clear be­hind his pack, Damian de Al­lende for be­ing his utter crappy self and Court­nall Skosan look­ing like a clue­less dwarf, it hit me ... how many other play­ers are there ac­tu­ally that will help the Boks turn their for­tunes around? In the cur­rent squad, not many I’m afraid.

And there won’t be any point in re­plac­ing any given player with some­one else if he is go­ing to be re­quired to slot into the same game plan – or com­plete lack thereof most pun­dits are telling us.

The only one who can change that is the coach and even if Al­lis­ter Coet­zee gets the chop, it is only go­ing to be af­ter the tour. That means an­other three Tests and the very re­al­is­tic pos­si­bil­ity of an­other three de­feats.

One man can only take so much pain and that is why I openly de­clare not to watch an­other Bok Test this year. When the lads run out in Paris on Satur­day evening, there will only be my one tele­vi­sion switched on in my house and it will be show­ing the Smurfs movie. And nes­tled be­tween my lit­tle dar­lings, I don’t mind watch­ing it for the 17th time. Not one lit­tle bit. Here’s why:

The evil Gargamel is a much bet­ter vil­lain than Coet­zee. Hav­ing a tame vul­ture on your shoul­der you can send to kill Smurfs is so much eas­ier to sell than telling the world that De Al­lende is “world-class player”.

Papa Smurf is a more in­spired leader than Eben Etze­beth.

Clumsy Smurf fum­bles less than half of the Bok back­line.

Smur­fette’s hair­style is much eas­ier on the eye than what is go­ing on on Jan­tjies’ head.

It will be 80 min­utes of guar­an­teed en­ter­tain­ment, as lit­tle blue crea­tures fall­ing over one an­other will be much more fun than French play­ers wear­ing blue fall­ing over the Bok try­line.

My beer stock doesn’t have to take such a big knock.

I’m guar­an­teed of a happy end­ing.

And the best part is, I do not have to swear once.

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