Crabbing, clubbing, and Kohli’s utter despair

Amid the national euphoria generated by the Proteas finally getting one over the Indian spinners at the Wanderers, Dave the Silent had a few words of caution to add.

“I am no real cricket expert,” he said, “but two things strike me immediately about finally breaking our duck after three heavy defeats in the one-day series.”

“The first is that it was unheralded players like Heinrich Klaasen and Andile Phehlukwayo who caused the most damage.

“It will be a long time before I forget Klaasen heading crabwise around 4m towards point and clubbing an outrageous four off Yuzvendra Chahal – who also managed to bowl David Miller with a no-ball – that would have been adjudged a woeful wide even in Test conditions.

“It is more than likely that this ball was the catalyst which caused Chahal’s meltdown at the death when Phehlukwayo launched his nuclear bombardment at the badly rattled bowling.

“Watching the big left-handed batsman smash 23 off a scant five balls and the triumphant war dance which followed his game-winning six is something that will stay with me in the memory for a good while.”

The Silent One paused for a blaaskans, before returning to the second part of his personal equation.

“Another thing I remember equally well is a bewildered Brian McMillan looking up at the scoreboard and trying to get his head around having to get 22 runs off one ball in the rain-shortened 1992 Cricket World Cup semifinal against England in Australia.

“No one, least of all a player as willing to give it ago as McMillan deserves to face down that kind of disgraceful Russian roulette cooked up by half-baked cricket authorities, who always seem remarkably adept a closing the sta- ble door after the horse has well and truly bolted.

“Then,” the Silent One continued, “over the horizon, two Lancastrian mathematicians, Frank Duckworth and Tony Lewis, ride in like fabled white knights on a muscular statistical steed, with a theory many believe is still suspect in some areas, but remains the best we’ve got in circumstances where a game has to unavoidably be shortened.

“I am no mathematician, and have nothing but a long-distance awe for anyone who can make complex figures make some sort of sense, the way Duckworth and Lewis seem to have achieved.

“But I would far rather see flesh and blood people doing the seemingly impossible on the playing field unhindered by the computer skills needed for addressing the problem confronting them with out having to brush aside the veil of calculus.

“As far as I am concerned – and even though the average South African fan can finally celebrate victory in a ‘win’s a win ou pel’ sort of way – I still think taking a match on the Duckworth-Lewis method is a lot like like kissing your sister.”

The Silent One, his thesis delivered, sat back and shook his head. Then, having a sudden rush of the thought process, he turned to the assembled gathering and gave a broad grin.

“But there’s also that look of utter despair in the face of Virat Kohli to remember ... isn’t there?”