No point over debating things that are sacred

It must be said at the outset that discussions, which nearly all centre on the minutiae of any manner of sporting themes are a regular feature of the usual gathering.

But it is seldom that Dave the Silent – or even the self-appointed expert on all sporting matters, the Arithmetically-challenged Golfer – reach steam heat in their deliberations.

The Silent One’s calm logic usually wins out over the Arithmetically-challenged One’s bluster but on the eve of the Monaco Grand Prix this one was a real doozy.

At issue were the merits and demerits of holding a Formula One Grand Prix around the streets of a postage stamp principality where none of the normal rules which pertain to fast cars and revving high performance engines tend to apply.

“The Monaco Grand Prix is not a real race,” the Arithmetically-challenged One started out, promptly putting both feet in the fire and occasioning a rapid rise in the Silent One’s blood pressure. “It is more like a slot car race, where the man in pole position will win provided he stays ahead at the first corner and doesn’t do anything disastrous in the interim.

“It is a lot like watching paint dry and all the fortuitous shots of millionaires’ yachts moored in the marina – and passing snatches of the faces of real or transitory celebrities, who disappear from camera long before the race starts – cannot alter that.”

But while the Arithmetically-challenged One rambled on the irreverent mention of “slot cars” and drying paint did it for the Silent One, who all but glowed in indignation. “Slot cars? Slot cars!” he said. “Have you no sense of proportion? These are high performance machines driven by experts.”

The Arithmetically-challenged One ruefully shook his head. “They are computerised to a ridiculous degree,” he said. “Explain to me how Max Verstappen was able to pilot a Formula One machine at 17 – an age when he was still too young to drive a car on the road?

“And I like to raise another few issues about Monte Carlo. Because there are no acceptable run-off areas – as little as a dozen centimetres out of line you hit something solid and unyielding and your race is over. If you had to reproduce the exact track somewhere else. it would not pass even the most cursory of safety checks. They wouldn’t let go-karts on it.

“And as for getting your name out there in front of the cameras, why would a venerable marque like Aston Martin have its company name plastered all over a Formula One car – in this case Red Bull – which has a French engine and a British chassis. It won’t sell one extra Aston Martin.

“The Monaco Grand Prix is the only one on the calendar which doesn’t pay for inclusion on the fixture list. When they tried to enforce the issue, the organisers were told to go elsewhere ... and quickly came to the conclusion that without Monte Carlo and Ferrari, motorsport would be a great deal poorer.”

This did not go down a bundle with the Silent One, “You have,” he said, “no sense of tradition...” and in his own mind, that was enough to seal matters. Some things, obviously, are sacred and should not be questioned by the Philistines.