Picking winners like a cross-court rally

It had, not to put too fine a point on it, been something of a weekend of mixed emotions for the Incomprehensible Scot as the scoreboard ticked through the results of a full agenda of top sporting events.

There had been some solace in Angelique Kerber’s emphatic 6-3, 6-3 domination of Serena Williams in the Wimbledon women’s singles final, though he retains a lasting respect for the muscular American superstar.

“Tha Willums cen pley,” he said grudgingly with a charactersitic mispronunciation of the proper name given to the 36-year-old Serena Jameka Williams, recently returned from motherhood to active participation in a sport she has all but made her own and widely recognised as the greatest female tennis professional of all time with 23 Grand Slam titles – 23 in singles, 14 in doubles and two in mixed doubles.

“A didna ken Serena cud mek it bak tha far in sooch a wee while,” had been the Incomprehensible One’s prediction. “Ah wa’ reet.” Indeed he was.

There was also some consolation in the weekend’s Super Rugby results with both the Lions and the Sharks recording victories, the Sharks a vital 20-12 win over the Jaguares at a rain-drenched King’s Park to earn a play-off spot and the Lions a 38-12 success over the bewildered Bulls at Ellis Park to top the SA Conference and ensure a home semifinal.

It must be pointed out at this point, that the man who moved south of the equator from his native Falkirk – as the Arithmetically-challenged Golfer irreverently put it “around the time Paul Kruger was playing second side for Diggers” has something of an ambivalent approach to his support for the pair of South African franchises, backing the Lions because Johannesburg is where he makes his home, but determinedly wearing a Sharks replica jersey.

“A lak ma clothes,” is his instant excuse for his sartorial selection.

But from that stage on, the Incomprehensible One’s gifts as a sage, began to drift out of the frame. “A mus’ take Anderson ta beat yon Djokovic,” he said before the men’s singles final. “Tha Sooth African lad has got grate goots. Ta tek oot Federer an then tha American skyskrapa is nae a smal job.”

There was little argument with that sentiment as Anderson came back from two sets down and match point to outgun the Swiss in the quarters and then survived a five-set marathon against the elongated, big-serving John Isner in the semis.

The final proved to be an anticlimax as the Serbian, who owns perhaps the best consistent returns in tennis, wore down any residual residue resistance left in Anderson’s exhausted body. As the Incomprehensible One enigmatically commented apropos of lingering physical damage: “Ye cannae poosh ya grannie uf tha boos.”

There was still the World Cup final in Russia and this time the Scot was adamant about picking a winner.

“Tha Creatya is fah me,” he said. “Canna stan tha French.” Strike two as they say in baseball as the French ran out 4-2 winners.

A call went up from the corner; a rousing Allez Les Bleus to an equally rousing French victory. It would be fair to say that the phrase left the Incomprehensible One lost in linguistic no-man’s land.

But then it has to be considered that he has more than enough trouble with English.