West Ham and Proteas caught in the blaze
The Follically-challenged Fireman had everything planned for a long, lazy afternoon of sports viewing ahead, though it must be admitted that top of his priorities was the scheduled meeting between his beloved West Ham and Liverpool, plus the bonus of what he called “an inviting bottle of claret” to round out the entertainment.
The Fireman and his Ulster Associate had, in the company of the Incomprehensible Scot, the Demented Irish Miner and the Arithmetically-Challenged Golfer, been taking in the Sri Lankan innings of the fifth one-day international against the Proteas in Colombo.
It must be admitted at this juncture that the Incomprehensible One was watching the action in a somewhat desultory manner having many times confessed that “I dinna ken tha krikut” and that his presence among the usual gathering was more from a sense of duty and companionship for those about him than any clear picture of what unfolded before him, his long-term focus almost certainly on the outcome of the Sam Wanamaker Trophy, the silverware which goes with winning the US PGA Championship the fourth of this season’s Majors being fought out at Bellerive in St Louis, a game of which the Scot is both adroit and knowlegeable.
Even the Demented Miner, who has what can only be termed the concentration of a mayfly, whose almost pathological interest in racing bicycles duels frantically with his intention of getting up as many noses as possible by spreading his personalised version of the chaos theory as is humanly possible, had lost interest in the cricket as Hashim Amla started the South African collapse by getting bowled by Suranga Lakmal in the opening over without a run on the board.
The withdrawal by the Fireman and his Ulster Associate was increasingly looking like an astute strategic one. Only the Arithmetically-Challenged One, a self-appointed authority on all sporting matters, still expressed any real interest in the ODI.
“Look at that,” he said as Amla trudged his way back to the pavilion. “Hash’s footwork is a disaster. His feet were nowhere near the ball. He looked like he was dancing on hot coals.” That was as maybe, but Amla’s abrupt departure presaged a disconcerting collapse of huge proportions.
“We are back facing the old yoke the Proteas put on their own backs,” he continued. “They rely on a handful of players to take the strain. When that doesn’t happen – as indeed it must sometimes – the roof caves in.”
Perhaps it was an apt summation of the 178-run defeat and must have also served for the Fireman’s hopes for the Hammers who took a 4-0 thrashing at the hands of Liverpool at Anfield, but at least he had a bottle of wine to console him.