My gullible fellow South Africans...

Mr President, it is an honour to present you with this speech for your next address to the nation. I do not expect any remuneration, but if I can have one privilege, sir, may I perhaps have an extra slice of bread tonight.

Your humble, obedient, and spineless servant.

My fellow South Africans. Thank you for remaining the most gullible and spineless nation on earth.

Even though we are making up the rules of the lockdown as we go along, never providing any real statistical or scientific data that can be checked, you remain ever willing to have your life savings drained from you.

For that, I thank you, because what would an African despot be without a fortune in foreign currency?

And where would said despot find such a fortune other than in his country’s Treasury?

Even as we bombard you with the most ridiculous and irrational restrictions, you not only continue to abide by the rules, but you enthusiastically rat out your friends or neighbours who don’t.

Such spineless behaviour is the reason you find yourself in the position that you are in. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. You are doing a great job, you worthless plebs.

I know there are a few dissidents among you willing to write the odd tweet about a revolution, but before you even consider growing a spine, just remember that I’m not scared to don military fatigues.

I may not have any military training, but I am, after all, your utterly supreme Commander in Chief, which means that all those in possession of a firearm follow my orders.

And for those of you who think they own firearms, wait for the next batch of restrictions. You’re in for a surprise.

Those who have lost their jobs, remember, it is better to save a life than to make a profit.

For those who still have money in the bank, rest assured, it won’t be there much longer.

And for those who have run out of even their last piece of bread, well, you’ll just have to eat cake.

Good night.