Dieting is for the birds

For the long-in-the-tooth the word diet is meaningless. It’s not about good or bad eating habits, but diets dished up by so-called nutritionists on a mission to gain fame and fortune.

And they’re probably in cahoots with food manufacturers to help flog their products to a gullible public.

This is nothing new. As a kid I remember the spat between butter and margarine producers. They took turns being either bad or good. For a long while marg was the answer to heart problems whereas butter jammed your arteries with bad cholesterol. Then out of the blue we are told marg has no nutritional value and we need to get back to piling on the butter. Sales and prices soar following the trend.

A friend, on his way to dentures in Steradent, loves red skinned viennas. I came across his wife in a supermarket pushing a trolley giving off a red hue. “Viennas for Peter,” she explains, seeing my wide eyes.

He obviously hasn’t seen the latest warning about processed meat, like viennas. It’s unlikely Peter will heed the warning. At his age, why should he?

Reminds me of the joke of a guy walking into the doctor’s office. A vienna in one of his ears, a pretzel in the other, and a nacho chip in one nostril.

The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?” The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”

Seriously, the latest news about sausages is they grease the arteries – unless impaled on toothpicks, allowing the calories to leak out the bottom. Pile on the toothpicks, Peter.

Peanuts and raisins are my favourites. Chew them all day. Luckily so far, nuts are in. Evidently they’re good for you – at the moment.

But it won’t be surprising if some prof comes along claiming the combination is bad because peanuts clog the oesophagus and raisins explode in the tummy like they do in homemade ginger beer.

I do experience a wee bit of flatulence that affect only the two pups dozing at my feet, but they’re also old farts, so they don’t care.

I’ve concluded dieting is for the birds.

Oops. Sorry, birds, you’ve stuck to your balanced diet of worms and seed and won’t be fooled by fortune seekers.