Arsene, you’ve got the cash, please spend it

Ihope you don’t mind me calling you Arsene, but Mr Wenger just seems so formal for someone I have had more of a lasting relationship with than any of my three former wives.

You see, I have been an Arsenal fan since the 1970s. I have the club crest tattooed on my right arm. I have personalised registration plates that read “Gunner 1 GP”. At last count I had 67 replica Arsenal shirts. I wanted to name my youngest daughter Pat (after Pat Rice, the former Arsenal fullback) but my wife at the time wouldn’t have it (no wonder we got divorced).

I remember one heated argument with the self-same wife. The insults were flying and she came up with a gem. “I think you love Arsenal more than you love me,” she wailed. “My dear,” I replied, “I love Spurs more than I love you.” (Again, no wonder we didn’t last)

Anyway, I digress. But I’m sure you get the picture. I am a Gunner through and through so the fact that you have landed another two years as manager both thrills me and scares the life out of me. I have really mixed feelings … much like I would have if I won an all-expenses-paid weekend trip for two to Wembley Stadium. I know it is the home of English football and all, @GuyHawthorne but it is also going to be Tottenham Hotspur’s home until their new stadium is completed. You would also have mixed feelings, right?

Your record speaks for itself and I have long admired your ability to turn average players into superstars. Three Premier League titles, seven FA Cups and five Community Shields (although many people don’t regard those as real trophies, and especially not since Manchester United won this past season’s one). Players like Thierry Henry, Dennis Bergkamp, Tony Adams, Freddie Ljungberg were all okay, but under your tutelage they became brilliant.

I’ll never forget the Invincibles of 2003/04. To go an entire season without losing a single match is quite a feat, and to go 49 unbeaten in a league as competitive as the Premier League is a phenomenal achievement.

So I owe you a huge debt of gratitude. But here is the but … your reluctance to spend money on established big-name players who could make a difference to our chances of winning the league again is hugely frustrating.

Apparently the board has thrown squillions of rands (admittedly not that much in pound terms) at you and invited, no INSTRUCTED, you to spend it all. Well, please do so, and early in the transfer window. I don’t think I can take another season of no buys until the last week, when we pick up one or two stragglers no one else really wanted.

It’s much like my relationship with the aforementioned ex – we eventually had absolutely nothing in common. And I don’t want that to happen to us.