BMW has clearly grown up

TODAY THE METAMORPHOSIS IS COMPLETE, NOW THEY’RE ALL SOPHISTICATION But where is that glorious grunt they used to have?

When I moved to Johannesburg in the early 1990s, there was one motoring legend already well established: that all BMW drivers were road hogs.

At first I thought that was typical of the over-the-top ways of Joburgers – exaggerating things for effect. But I quickly found out that the stereotype was more truth than imagination.

Driving in the fast lane on the highway (before the government legislated the rule that drivers should move over for faster traffic in that lane, I was always aware of faster traffic) it was invariably a BMW which would come screaming up behind you, on your boot lid, bullying you into moving over.

In the beginning, the aggressive drivers were mainly white Alpha males, but as wealth started to spread across race groups, the road hogs could just as easily be African, Indian or Coloured.

But something has happened. The title of Road Hog SA no longer belongs to BMW drivers – it has been forcibly removed from them by the double cab bakkie brigade. How did this happen? Today, double cabs are the solution to your problems of male inadequacy: their bulging flanks and powerful diesel engines make you look like the Camel Man just in from conquering the wilds of Africa ... even if you’re a clerk in Sandton. The definition of macho has changed.

Also, the car market has changed. Back in the day, BMW was the only choice if you wanted to go fast with a bit of luxury thrown in. Audi had yet to move beyond bland with its mainstream cars while Mercs were taxis in Europe and standard issue Broederbond transport in South Africa. As for the Japanese, their products (and those of Volkswagen) kept ordinary people on the go.

Today, BMW’s two German rivals produce fine cars, cars which are almost (but not quite) at the same dynamic standard as BMW. But below them is a vast variety of performance machinery (and particularly hot hatches) to attract the sort of boy racer show-offs who used to be attracted to BMW.

But, most importantly, BMW has grown up – both in the maturity of its product and in the prices it charges.

A BMW these days is not for a young, hard-charging man who wants to lord his success over underlings. It is for a man (and increasingly a woman) who has already made it, appreciates quality and comfort but at the same time likes the occasional shot of adrenaline that only a fine sporting pedigree can bring.

So, I was not surprised at all that the BMW 530i I drove was much more like a limo than a sports car. With adjustable suspension, you can waft along softly or have your teeth jarred with the firm springing necessary to get you around corners quickly.

The new Five Series is also bigger than it was before and looks like the Seven Series used to be a few years ago. Growing up.

The 530i is, as you’d expect for your 800 grand, superbly made and equipped, with all of the electronic bells and whistles needed for luxurious, yet extremely safe, transport.

At the same time, though, it can kick up its heels and run: it will hit 100km/h in under seven seconds, even at Highveld altitudes, which is quicker than some of the out-and-out sports BMWs of yesteryear.

It will hare around corners, should you feel so inclined, with a sure-footedness which is much improved from its forebears which, like the loud louts who used to drive them, could be uncouth when pushed, throwing the tail out with the abandon of a sailor in a port red light district...

The biggest surprise, and a bit of a letdown to be honest, was the fact that the 530i doesn’t – like its namesake from the past – have a six-cylinder engine anymore. It has a turbocharged four-cylinder which puts out a very healthy 185kW ... but it doesn’t have that glorious old BMW six sound.

I suppose that’s progress for you (smaller is more efficient). All part of growing up.

Mind you, the 530i produces amazing planet-saving fuel consumption figures: I got just over six litres per 100km on my normal highway test route, which is remarkable for a big, executive, petrol-powered car.

I must say I quite liked the 530i. It shows that growing up doesn’t mean growing old...