Invisible form of abuse

Upon us looms the annual 16 days of activism against violence. Emblazoned on posters and all sorts of advertising media will be a closeup shot of a battered, bruised, vulnerable and afraid woman – one whose scars are unmistakable.

But violence against women, particularly young women in marriage, is far more than just a fist to the chest or a kick in the abdomen – it can take the form of emotional torture, too.

The emotional abandonment, the repeated use of culture to hold women in subjection, the reminder that lobola was paid, the expectation that a woman must remember her place – in its own form, in its veiled and underhanded kind of way, all these are a form of abuse!

Family grandmothers are quick to remind young women to bekezela (persevere).

Deep down, women are dying from the emotional abuse visited upon them by men and families who expect us to be grateful we are not physically hurt and that Eskom has not turned off the lights.

But the truth abuse is real.

The boundaries are constantly being set up as a married woman’s stumbling block in life. She is systematically drained of anything and everything she has to offer.

Even just to get married – to qualify for the “pick me” contest – she must jump the Atlantic, half the time at her personal expense.

Think further than just the disappointment of not getting as good as we gave. We had to give up our last names, families, sometimes friends.

We moved far and wide just to be the perfect wife. We give up our summer bodies to bear children and give longevity to your last name.

What does a man really give up? He ought to be giving up those late nights out drinking but he rarely does.

Far too many women in South Africa are living with emotional abusers and, by extension, emotionally abusive in-laws.

Society, particularly black society, fails to identify the cries for help.

Before it becomes violent, abuse usually starts on an emotional level. We need to stop failing our women. is, emotional