Santa is becoming a fake

My local mall just before Christmas is undoubtedly one of my favourite places on earth. My mother once told me she hates fake people. She’ll hate my mall, because it is packed with fake people – every clothing store has fake people in the window advertising the latest fashions. But I can live with the mannequins – what grinds my gears is the fake Santa.

I think I have earned the right to criticise Santas – as a young man I have freelanced as a fake Santa in Benoni for two weeks. My mall imposter simply does nothing Santa-ish. He sits there and poses for pictures with the brats – at a fee.

How on earth are you supposed to install the fear of God in your children if you have to pay Santa to see them?

Yes, install, because Santa has sadly become a very tech-savvy senior citizen. He has to – while his little clients ask for the latest i-this or e-that, they have no appreciation whatsoever for his heritage.

My stepson used an app to snitch on his little sister a few days ago. A simple smartphone thing, where you can phone the old man himself. “To leave a message, press one. To suggest a name for my naughty list, press two,” the jolly old man says, confident in his ability to handle the technology.

And he left his one-year-old sister’s name. She didn’t mind – she is scared of Santa, after all. But he was hugely impressed with his own whistle-blowing skills.

“What will happen to her?” he asked. “He’ll probably bring her a lump of coal,” I said.

“What is a coal?” I explained. “Ah, charcoal,” he exclaimed, which made it abundantly clear he is not suited for a future career with Eskom or the Guptas.

And that is my point. When kids leave a glass of pasteurised milk and organic cookies on Christmas Eve, they don’t fear a lump of coal. They don’t know what deer are. Or chimneys, for that matter. They don’t know the use of big boots, and think only hipsters wear beards.

The lack of knowledge in our children, dear reader, is killing Santa. I can only hope they think of Googling his background. Without the story, Santa is fast becoming a fake person.

We already have a fake president and government, fake e-tolls. Can we really afford a fake Santa too?