Undies as a gift? That’s suicidal

It’s the lovely Snapdragon’s birthday tomorrow, and nothing makes me happier, because it’s the one thing on earth she can’t blame me for. Not that I’m home and dry – there’s still the sensitive matter of a gift.

Having picked journalism as a career and not a more lucrative option such as politics or some other form of international crime, I can’t give her what I think she deserves: a little seafront cottage in Doonside or Paternoster with an inviting veranda, energy drinks in the fridge and a four-slice toaster in the kitchen.

But I can give her pipe dreams, which may be slightly better. As far as I can tell, the ANC has no plans to expropriate daydreams. Not yet.

Anyway, this year I decided to give her the most romantic gift I could think of.

“Aha,” I can hear you say. “Underwear!”

Be warned, dear reader: experience has taught me that the road to a successful underwear gift is littered with dangerous potholes.

Allow me to equip you with some information that will serve you well when you decide to buy the woman in your life underwear as a gift, be it for a birthday or for Christmas.

Don’t try to be flamboyant. Buy sensible underwear – not thongs – from a respected manufacturer in black or white. Not sexy red or sultry purple.

And buy it from a chain store in a mall, not from a one-eyed man in a dusky shop behind security gates in the strip mall around the corner. His underwear tend to be lacking in the crotch department, and wives do not appreciate it. Or so I’m told.

And most importantly: don’t ask her about size. No matter which size she wears, you buy a small. S stands for small, but also for safety.

Keep the receipt in your wallet where she will find it. She will probably want to exchange it later. In secret. While smiling.

And what kind of underwear did I get the lovely Snapdragon for her birthday?

You must be mad! I don’t do underwear gifts for women. It’s suicidal.

This year I built her a bed. A lovely, romantic frilly white bed. Where she can dream of a little cottage with a sea view and a path leading to a quiet beach.

And possibly the perfect, romantic pair of underwear.